Insensitivity to Spiritual Abuse

 

I came across a post on social media from a member of a cult recovery and support group. This person wrote the following:

"It is important to remember to not blame the ICoC for ALL of your problems. Your personal and inner problems originated with you before you entered. You won’t heal unless you realize this.

Make no mistake the ICoC made all of your problems WORSE. Much of it came as they implied that those problems weren’t important-just focus on all “this” instead."

I agree with this statement. I also think the person lacked a sense of awareness of who they were talking to. The audience in this group are survivors of spiritual abuse from a particular church cult [the ICOC].

Many in the comment section were triggered. I understand why. Saying "not to blame the ICOC for all of your problems" is triggering. I told the author of this post they could have said this better. And I stand by that.


I shall explain.


This "blame" statement infers that people ARE blaming the ICOC for all of their problems. And that is not true. Most cult survivors struggle with blaming themselves, not the cult. They internalize their trauma, not finger-point. It takes content like mine on spiritual abuse to help people stop beating themselves up and suffering in shame and silence. So this person who penned this post is out of touch with the reality of spiritual abuse and those who live with it.

Most cult survivors struggle with blaming themselves, not the cult. They internalize their trauma, not finger-point. 

With that being said, the concept being conveyed is one I agree with. Unless you were born into a cult, those of us who were recruited as adults have pre-existing conditions that made us susceptible to the cult in the first place. Of course, there are exceptions. Some people had near-perfect lives and come from great upbringings when they succumbed to the cult manipulation. But this is earth. No one's life, no matter how good, is devoid of suffering, weakness, or some events that impacted them negatively. We all have shortcomings. We all have insecurities in varying degrees. We each, as human beings, have vulnerabilities.




A better way to phrase the post would be to say that we each have vulnerabilities and one should examine one's life in its totality to explore who you were before the cult. A holistic, eagle-eye's view of one's journey is key from a healing perspective.

I think the person who wrote the post probably meant well, but it was lacking a reasonable and appropriate level of sensitivity to the intended audience. This is a support group, remember that.

Also, people are at different places on the healing spectrum. If the spiritual wound is still raw, the above post easily comes across as gaslighting, denying the reality of the abuses inflicted by the cult. It blames the victim while appearing to minimize the responsibility of the cult.


If one is at a place where the spiritual wound has scabbed over and began healing, the underlying message can be received more. For instance, in my own life, I can attest to the validity of the social media post.


Once I was able to validate the spiritual abuse of the ICOC cult, I realized that the core issues of my own life struggles pre-dated the ICOC. These issues, such as my childhood trauma, made me vulnerable to the recruitment tactics of the ICOC. My emotionally absent family made the emotional absence of the ICOC normal to me. Being an 18 year old kid who was estranged from her family left me seeking a family, a void that the ICOC's love-bombing stepped in to fill.


So you see, the author of the post is correct. But I have been out of the cult for 15 years so I am not as easily triggered as some may be. Ex-cult members get triggered because they are still lacking the validation they need to ground themselves, so anything saying they need to look beyond the ICOC for the issues they deal with is seen as invalidation to their suffering. It is also perceived as letting the ICOC cult off the hook.


This is not the case. Once you are grounded in the fact that 1) Spiritual trauma is real 2)It is not your fault 3) You're not to blame 4) It's okay to be angry and "bitter" 5)The cult/church IS at fault, then...


... you won't be triggered by ignorant or insensitive comments. It depends where you currently are on the post-cult spectrum. Ultimately, once you are solid in your reality as a cult victim, the bigger part of the journey is self-exploration. This is NOT blaming yourself. This is about examining your life for patterns, roots, core beliefs, inner thoughts and/or personal narratives that you tell yourself.

Once you are solid in your reality as a cult victim, the bigger part of the journey is self-exploration. 

Ultimately the goal is recovery. A major aspect of recovery is reflection. For example, are there any traits in the cult (i.e. ICOC), that mirror your family of origin? What were you like before being recruited into the cult? What struggles were you having in life before being recruited?

The answers to these questions matter. Reflection isn't blaming yourself, it's about understanding your life and what has occurred to empower you moving forward. 

I get, unfortunately, that certain people get impatient with the healing process. In recovery spaces, there's always that person who asks "what's the solution?" and thinks everyone else needs a kick in the butt to "stop complaining and take personal responsibility".  They say insensitive, ignorant things that may even be true but it comes from the wrong place. 

Spiritual abuse requires time to heal. It requires years of educating oneself on what has happened to you. It demands a person embark on a complex, existential journey. It requires safe spaces for people to be human and permission for them to feel whatever it is they feel, for as long as they feel it...without judgment. 

The author of this post above [and people who think like them] needs to understand how complex spiritual abuse is, how complex we are as human beings, and that it matters how you say something just as much as what you say. Too often, people are gaslighted into being "too sensitive" or "snowflakes" when the offender is just being ignorant or insensitive. 

It matters how you say something just as much as what you say. 

Food for thought is always good for the soul. Spiritual healing is a journey, not a destination.