What is spiritual rape? Are you a victim of spiritual rape?

As a member of the International Church of Christ (ICOC) cult for almost 12 years, I was a victim of spiritual rape. It can sound like a taboo term, but it makes sense when understanding what rape means. 

Rape is not limited to sex. Rape is about power.

Definition of rape

 

1: unlawful sexual activity and usually sexual intercourse carried out forcibly or under threat of injury against a person's will or with a person who is beneath a certain age or incapable of valid consent because of mental illness, mental deficiency, intoxication, unconsciousness, or deception— compare SEXUAL ASSAULT, STATUTORY RAPE

2: an outrageous violation

3: an act or instance of robbing or despoiling or carrying away a person by force

*courtesy of merrium webster dictionary

As we can see, rape is sexual assault, but, as seen in definition #2, it is also an outrageous violation. 

Spiritual rape is just that: an outrageous violation. It is an act of force upon another person. It is taking from someone using force, coercion or manipulation. 

Spiritual rape is an outrageous violation. It is an assault, an act of force upon another person. It is taking from someone using force, coercion or manipulation. 

When I was recruited into the ICOC cult, the indoctrination method was a series of bible lessons called the first principle studies. One traumatic memory occurred during what they call the "Counting the Costs" study. The women's leader, along with two other ICOC female members, sat opposite me in a posture of intimidation. One of the women, "Delores" [my math tutor], was the one who recruited me and led many of my bible studies. "Connie" was the other college student who led some of my studies as well. They had brought me to meet with the women's leader of their ministry. The way it was handled, I felt like I was meeting a celebrity or the Wizard of Oz.

This woman's leader grilled me about the previous bible lessons I'd done to determine my allegiance to the ideologies introduced in each individual study. For example, I was asked to recap the "Word Study" and then was asked if I believed the bible is the 100% inspired word of God and if I read my bible every day. 

This "counting the costs study" was not a physical assault. It was purely psychological and spiritual. Being violated in this way runs even deeper than physical assault, and let me explain why:

Physical harm is, first of all, psychological, so this isn't to minimize physical/sexual forms of abuse. Spiritual abuse runs deeper because the wounds run deeper. If I smack you, the bruise can heal. If I verbally smack you, the bruise on your soul may never heal. The most potent trauma doesn't leave visible marks. It follows you everywhere you go. It haunts your dreams at night. It hits you with flashbacks out of nowhere. It affects how you see yourself, how you see the world, and worse still, how you see God/spirituality. 

The most potent trauma doesn't leave visible marks. The wounds run deeper. It follows you everywhere you go.

So, back to the "counting the cost" event that became spiritual rape. 

After I reviewed all the previous bible studies the women's leader asked me if I had completed the "homework" of writing a letter to God. "Delores" told me the day before to write a personal letter to God to express my relationship with "him".  She assured me that this letter was private - explicitly meaning the letter's content was just between me and God. This letter was supposed to be a milestone of my spiritual evolution to show my heart was "sold out" to God and that I was ready to be baptized. 

Note: Baptism was the final step of the ICOC bible studies. This water baptism was viewed as the literal point of salvation and entrance into "God's kingdom" which, according to them, was the ICOC church. 

Well, imagine my shock when the woman's leader instructed me to read my letter to God ALOUD. 

I looked at "Delores", who sat beside the woman's leader across from me, stone-faced. "Delores" was the one who told me that my letter was private. She had deceived me. She lured me in with her fake trustworthiness. As I sat there, I searched her face for signs of objection to the women's leader's request. But she did not come to my defense. She moved behind the women's leader and joined the other women in staring me down in an intimidating manner. 

Rape: Isolating the victim

Another element of rape is isolating the victim. In my situation, I was at the mercy of the girls who brought me to the house of their women's ministry leader. It was a 2 -and -a- half-hour drive to a place I had never been before to meet with a woman who I'd never met before. We were sitting in her basement with her young son playing upstairs. "Delores" had a car and had driven me there, leaving me totally dependent on her to bring me back home to campus. [I was a college freshman living in the dorm at the time]. The house we were at was way out in the suburbs with no public transportation. Cell phones weren't a thing back then to call for a taxi or for help. Needless to say, "Delores"  had the upper hand and the 18- year- old version of me felt very trapped and intimidated. 

The next few minutes [or what felt like an hour] consisted of a back- and- forth between me and the women's leader. At first I objected to reading the letter. I explained to the woman's leader that "Delores" assured me that the letter to God was private. My "walk with God" was in its infancy and was very fragile. That letter to God was so personal for me. I had written the letter earnestly, thinking no one would ever hear these words. 

The women's leader, "Francis", turned dark.  It was as if a flip had switched in her brain. The nice lady with the blond curly hair and the twinkling blue eyes who offered me a cold glass of freshly-squeezed lemonade upstairs in her kitchen suddenly morphed into the woman interrogator from "the Closer".  She asked me if I had anything to hide. I said I didn't, but it was MY personal letter. This only made it worse. She pressed on and on, becoming colder and harsher. I began sweating and my soul began to crack. 

Finally, I broke. I pulled out the letter and sat there, staring at my hands, trembling. 

I was told that if I didn't read the letter, I would not be "ready" to get baptized. If I refused to cooperate with her demands, I couldn't enter "God's kingdom". And  the ICOC cult was "the kingdom". And if I couldn't enter "God's kingdom", then I couldn't have a relationship with God and be saved [according to the bible studies]. The eternal flames of hell were awaiting me.... 

As I internally wrestled with this deepest of dilemmas, the three women's eyes all burned holes through me. I wanted to say no, to scream, to throw the bible at them, to jump up and run up the stairs and out of the house. 

But I didn't. I was scared. I felt paralyzed. 

I had reached the end of the bible indoctrination studies. This was the last step. I had come too far and sacrificed too much to turn back now. At this point, the brainwashing had already embedded itself and the roots had already taken hold in my psyche. I believed that this church was the so-called kingdom of God and they held the key to my salvation. They appeared to know God and I had spent the past 3 months learning from them what that means....

I felt there was no way over this. I had to just power through it. I unfolded the letter and, voice trembling, I began reading.

I can only attempt to explain what this felt like. It felt like my soul was being raped. It felt like I was kidnapped, taken to an unfamiliar location, and told to strip down naked before three strangers. Such a breach of privacy [what I understand today to be boundaries] had stripped me naked before these women by means of coercion, intimidation, and manipulation. This may sound strange, but this act felt like I was forced to have sex -in a spiritual sense- against my will.

After this forced act of intimacy was done, I felt cheap, dirty, compromised, used.  Kind of like after being raped, when the person acts disgusted with you. These women listened to my most precious words with what seemed to be a mix of judgment, scrutiny, boredom, and dissatisfaction. They treated me with disdain after the most intimate of acts.

This memory still cuts. It hurts. Not as much anymore, but it is one that I will never forget. 

Rape does that to you. 

Spiritual rape is also when someone is sexually raped and the rapist uses manipulation [such as bible scriptures] to justify the act or blame the victim. The rape victim may be told to "forgive" and give it to God. The rapist [and the rapist's accomplices, if any] may try and convince the victim that "everything happens for a reason". There are many ways that rape is a form of spiritual abuse. 

If you've experienced spiritual rape, in whatever form, know that you aren't alone. You aren't making this up in your head. It isn't a twisted memory. And it is not your fault. No one deserves to be spiritually raped. Having a piece of your soul taken is not easy to describe in words. It isn't easy to articulate what it's like to be spiritually violated. The sacred part of us as human beings has been stripped bare, manipulated, and coerced to do what we did not want to do. Guilt, shame, manipulation, and isolation are used to pressure us, to force us to comply against our will. 

Blaming ourselves is not productive. I could blame myself for not jumping up and walking out when asked to read my letter to God. I could have said no and refused. But hindsight is always 20/20. We only know what we know at the time. Of course, the person I am now would never tolerate such a thing. The person I am today as a middle-aged adult would never even be driving all over the state with my math tutor. That's the thing: "Delores" abused her authority as my math tutor to recruit me. She abused the implicit trust I had in her. 

So, the moral of the story is not to be so harsh with yourself. Christians talk alot about grace, but here is where grace really counts: having grace with your former self. 

Don't blame yourself, understand yourself.

And finally, seek a safe place to recover, be that with a licensed therapist, a psychologist, or other mental health professional or with a safe support group or other people who you can trust. If you can, do all of the above. Keep reading and learning about what you've been through, too. Knowing is half the battle. 

Wishing you much healing and recovery and peace in your mind, soul, heart, and spirit.

If you need to reach out, go to my contact page.