Are you being gaslighted?

Gaslighting is all the craze these days. It is used everywhere it seems. Unfortunately, many people are still uneducated on what gaslighting is. As overused as the word is, I think some people are misusing it. Others don't recognize it when it's happening to them. 

This article is for the latter.

The thing with gaslighting is that by sheer nature of the term, it leads to being misunderstood. Gaslighting is a form of manipulation where the other person says, does, or implies things in a way that makes you think you're crazy. 

When you're being gaslighted, it's hard to tell because gaslighting makes you think that it's all in your head. You internalize the abuse or mistreatment as something that isn't actually happening rather than recognizing the source of the abuse. 

I am of the opinion that in many situations, people aren't saying to themselves, "I'm going to gaslight him/her" right now. Gaslighting often comes in the form of defensiveness. When you point something out to a person, when you express how something they said or did "made you feel", they respond with gaslighting words or behaviors to protect themselves from what they see as an attack. 

A lack of self reflection is also a core component to gaslighting. When people are not self aware, they deflect onto you any criticisms or feedback you give them. 

Another foundation for gaslighting is denial. When someone is in denial, they double down on denying the obvious facts of something that is undeniably true. For example, claiming that racism does not exist or that society is an even playing field solely based on meritocracy when the opposite is glaringly true.

Projection is also a key ingredient to gaslighting. You think it's all in your head because the person projects onto you what they are. For example, a negative person who gaslights will tell you that you are such a negative person when it's really them who are negative. 

There are many different examples of gaslighting that span many kinds of scenarios that I can't cover here, but here are a few that I've experienced: 

* Someone tells you, "You're so negative" when they are the most negative person you know.

*When you file a complaint at work about being mistreated by a coworker, the supervisor or HR person tells you that it's probably a "misunderstanding". 

*A family member constantly says things to cut you down and when you respond, they say, "You're too sensitive. I'm just playing!" 

*At church, you talk to the leaders about the abusive environment and the leader insists that you are in "sin".

The word "gaslighting" reminds me of a gas stove and lighting it with a match. When you are being gaslighted, you are the stove. Someone is trying to trigger you - either to deflect from their own wrongdoing or to get you to doubt yourself. 

Gaslighting confuses the mind. It causes cognitive dissonance. It makes you think it's all in your mind, even when you know it isn't. As a result, you feel like you're going crazy. Gaslighting causes you to doubt yourself. It messes with your self confidence in the sense that you don't trust yourself to perceive your own reality.

Gaslighting says, "Don't believe your own eyes".  It says, "Don't trust your own intuition".  

When being gaslighted, you often don't recognize it at first. It's a slow burn. When it first happens, you dismiss it. You give the person the benefit of the doubt. You try not to rush to judgment. When it happens again and again, you wonder if you're overthinking it or if you are being too sensitive. You have inner turmoil over what you are sensing or feeling, asking yourself if you are misinterpreting the person or situation. Just give it another chance. 

What are you seeing? Why isn't the other person reflecting back to you what you are seeing, feeling, or intuitively sensing? One thing about intuition is that you can sense something isn't right but you can't directly put your finger on it. You know this person is gaslighting you, but you can't quite articulate how. But it's happening. 

So, how do you deal with gaslighting?

#1: You educate yourself. Read up on gaslighting. Learn what it is. Understand the signs. 

#2: Learn to trust your intuition more. When you are sensing something isn't right with a person or situation, practice trusting what you are feeling. Listen.

#3: Remember that you are not crazy. 

#4: Know that you are worthy of being loved and treated with respect and dignity. No one should be manipulated into denying their reality. 

#5: Stand your ground. Remember that what you're seeing, experiencing and feeling is real to you. Put boundaries in place. If you cannot avoid interacting with a gaslighting person, limit your conversation with them. 

One final note: Gaslighting can occur with individuals and groups. Group gaslighting can be cultural. When there is a systemic issue, leaders often deny the reality of the members being marginalized or mistreated. 

Thanks again and talk again soon.