Group Mentality
I joined a group several months ago. It's a spiritual group.
For anyone who's been following my blog for a while, you may be holding your breath at this very moment....but it wasn't like that at all. The woman who started the club invited me to join, and we had an instant connection....
Nevertheless, I was hesitant. But this woman was very comforting and she really helped me in my moment of need with her kind words, so I was more open to hearing about this group she had going.
I'd been on my own spiritual journey for a while and was deeply desiring meaningful relationships again. If you check out the archives from last year, I wrote a blog on friendship and the experience of being all alone. When I walked away from my religion, I also walked away from the relationships formed inside of that religion. It was very traumatic losing everything I'd ever known, though I knew it was the right thing for me to do.
So here I was, deciding whether to join this group-and I did. Now, several months later, I have made some amazing friends. I was even named an "elder" in the group to honor my committment to spiritual growth and to the club.
I also have learned something else: the need to speak my own truth.
This week, our club had a meeting and here I was, an "elder" sitting in on a group phone call, and the group leader was discussing what she called the "neutral observer"- a spiritual technique for dealing with emotional upset. Once she was done, one of the women raised her hand and offered what was her version of the "neutral observer". She said that when difficult situations arose, she would laugh.
Well, our leader basically dismissed what she shared, since laughter was not included in her definition of "neutral observer".
I held my breath. I disagreed.
I couldn't help thinking, why is she wrong? Isn't a concept expressed differently with everyone?
More contemplation. Wait a minute-isn't this supposed to be different? I left the church. Those days were behind me. After all, this group is about spirituality- not a specific religion like Christianity, Islam, or Judaism.....it's about HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS, tapping into one's higher self.
I mean, this "neutral observer" is about using the "sixth sense", that "third eye" of the sixth chakra, so.....it's not about a status quo....
or is it?
Behind the scenes, many things have been going on with me these past few weeks. I've been going through alot of personal growth. Very special people have entered my life and have stood in the gap for me, inspiring me to trust myself, trust my own intuition, and to follow my own heart. These new relationships have supported me and have given me permission to be whatever I am in the moment.
As I have been stepping into this new level of freedom, the group I've joined has begun to feel more and more like a weight upon my shoulders. When I first joined, it met that need I had to be in a safe and supportive spiritual community. It was wonderful to be able to talk about subjects like "shakras" with people who were actively walking the same spiritual walk, too.
Back in 2010, I was in a place where I was transitioning from the Christian church reality to my own reality. I had gotten wrestless with conversations about the flaws in the religious system and what it is doing. I was also wrestless because my definition of God had moved on from the "refurbished" God that people who had left the church were now professing. God was still being defined as a gender "he" and a father. I hit a ceiling with that type of terminology, because my concept of God was in a state of expansion and the people in my space had decided on specific definitions and genders.....
So fast forward (I'll share about the stuff imbetween another time) I'm in this Spiritual group and something's bothering me as I sit in this group meeting this past week. What is it?
And then it hits me: It's a group.
That's the problem. It's a group. And it doesn't matter what the group is about-there is a group dynamic that always prevails.
Was there space in this group for me to have my own opinions-and a space to express these opinions and not be disregarded if it doesn't fit with the group? Was there space in any group for this?
Any group-spiritual, sports, social or political-has an agenda. When you enter a group, there is a list of unspoken rules to be adhered to if you want to be accepted. That first season is a euphoric time. People are happy to see you, and you are celebrated as the newest addition.
Some groups, like Greek fraternities and sororities or the army, have rules that are very outward. Via a "hazing" process, these groups operate on the concept that it is a privilege to be chosen to be a part of them - and if you pass their proposed initation, you are part of something special. They make no bones about the fact that your personal identity has no place in the group and you exchange who you are for the collective.
Regardless to whether the group is openly structured or not, there exists common traits:
for example, there's "group speak"-a specific vernacular the people use to communicate.
There is a way that things are done, too. A status quo of sorts. And most often you discover this when you do something that does not fit in with that status quo.
As I sat there this week, observing the interactions of my current club, I realized that there was no place to say that I disagreed. Not only would it have not gone over well with the group faciliator, but the members would have been uncomfortable and some would have seen me in a disruptive light. This reminded me of my days in church, where I was also an "elder" and I also had to keep my mouth shut.
In that moment, I had to face the reality that the group is a seperate entity and that my job was to uphold this entity.
I want to throw it out there that groups aren't good or evil. That isn't the point of this at all. It isn't an issue of whether a group is good or bad, it's about what's external of us or internal of us-using our own power verses placing that power somewhere else.
The fact is, my energies were going into my new group to the point where it was taking away from things that I needed to be focusing on- like my creative passions and my burgeoning career as an entrepenuer-which was on the back-burner while I was so focused on the group's activities and on building the group up and making it healthy....
Here I go again!
In church, same thing, same scenario. I was sacrificing progressing in my own life for promoting the life of the collective.
What was amazing was that I was coming full circle and the universe was giving me another opportunity to speak my own truth. However, this time around, I had alot more wisdom.
The lesson suddenly appeared to me:
It doesn't matter if the people around you are positive or negative, the challenge is just the same. A person speaking their own truth is always difficult.
In other words, it takes courage to stand up for yourself and to do what is best for you.
Some people insist that you can have your own opinions and voice them-its just how you go about it. I would say that's true to a degree, but at some point, it never fails that your truth-no matter how sweetly you say it-will clash with the leader of the group's truth and with the group's objective. And the lesson I just mentioned still remains.
Doing what is in your best interest rarely-if ever-is in the best interests of the group of people you may be involved with. When I say "group" that can mean any community you may be a part of-be it a family, a church, a community organization, a political party, a sorority/fraternity, a race of people, or any type of organization that you may work for. So when you listen to yourself, it takes the utmost of courage to act on it.
With me, my inner voice has been telling me that I need to go within myself to find the answers to the things I seek...a total switch from my christianized mindset of days past- with me looking outside of myself to a God in the sky-a "savior" if you will- to find the truth.
I decided that I need to hear myself so that I'll know what to do about the situations in my life. I have decided to step back from my spiritual group so I can refocus my energies on creating the life that I want and deserve. And what a risk, isn't it?
Somebody may take it personally. Others may ask why I can't follow my heart and be completely committed to the club at the same time. And others will love and support me anyway. And being myself completely in this way will reveal those who truly reflect who I really am.
Either way, it becomes a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing, indeed.
The beauty of following your own truth is in part because it is our first and primary obligation here on planet earth. No matter how wonderful a group may be, our first allegiance is not to an organization. When we compromise ourselves for others, no one wins.
But the fact remains: the group requires our energy to keep it alive. Its needs are not yours or mine. It serves a purpose and the group doesn't mind you getting your benefits from it-but it requires your complete allegiance to be fully accepted.
You see how the dynamics work-those of us who are the most involved are the most celebrated. We are the people who are given leadership status. We're the ones who sacrifice ourselves for the group the most-and the more extreme the sacrifices, the more accepted we are.
...and one more thing: real spirituality is a journey that we walk alone.
It's a very personal-in fact THE most personal aspect of a human being. Spirituality can never be a group field trip.
It doesn't nullify our need to connect with people. I need it, you need it, too.
In fact, we are all one in the sense that we come from the same source. People are there to reflect who we are internally and to help us along the way, inspire us- or treat us poorly to help us learn lessons about who we really are and what we deserve.
....but at the end of the day, it's just you. It's just me. Nothing or no one external of us can connect us with our higher self and with the cosmos. Consciousness is an inside job. And as confusing as that can be for those of us raised to think we are human beings on a spiritual journey, the truth is that we are spiritual beings on a human journey.
Another time, a whole other topic :-)
Thanks for reading.
For anyone who's been following my blog for a while, you may be holding your breath at this very moment....but it wasn't like that at all. The woman who started the club invited me to join, and we had an instant connection....
Nevertheless, I was hesitant. But this woman was very comforting and she really helped me in my moment of need with her kind words, so I was more open to hearing about this group she had going.
I'd been on my own spiritual journey for a while and was deeply desiring meaningful relationships again. If you check out the archives from last year, I wrote a blog on friendship and the experience of being all alone. When I walked away from my religion, I also walked away from the relationships formed inside of that religion. It was very traumatic losing everything I'd ever known, though I knew it was the right thing for me to do.
So here I was, deciding whether to join this group-and I did. Now, several months later, I have made some amazing friends. I was even named an "elder" in the group to honor my committment to spiritual growth and to the club.
I also have learned something else: the need to speak my own truth.
This week, our club had a meeting and here I was, an "elder" sitting in on a group phone call, and the group leader was discussing what she called the "neutral observer"- a spiritual technique for dealing with emotional upset. Once she was done, one of the women raised her hand and offered what was her version of the "neutral observer". She said that when difficult situations arose, she would laugh.
Well, our leader basically dismissed what she shared, since laughter was not included in her definition of "neutral observer".
I held my breath. I disagreed.
I couldn't help thinking, why is she wrong? Isn't a concept expressed differently with everyone?
More contemplation. Wait a minute-isn't this supposed to be different? I left the church. Those days were behind me. After all, this group is about spirituality- not a specific religion like Christianity, Islam, or Judaism.....it's about HIGHER CONSCIOUSNESS, tapping into one's higher self.
I mean, this "neutral observer" is about using the "sixth sense", that "third eye" of the sixth chakra, so.....it's not about a status quo....
or is it?
Behind the scenes, many things have been going on with me these past few weeks. I've been going through alot of personal growth. Very special people have entered my life and have stood in the gap for me, inspiring me to trust myself, trust my own intuition, and to follow my own heart. These new relationships have supported me and have given me permission to be whatever I am in the moment.
As I have been stepping into this new level of freedom, the group I've joined has begun to feel more and more like a weight upon my shoulders. When I first joined, it met that need I had to be in a safe and supportive spiritual community. It was wonderful to be able to talk about subjects like "shakras" with people who were actively walking the same spiritual walk, too.
Back in 2010, I was in a place where I was transitioning from the Christian church reality to my own reality. I had gotten wrestless with conversations about the flaws in the religious system and what it is doing. I was also wrestless because my definition of God had moved on from the "refurbished" God that people who had left the church were now professing. God was still being defined as a gender "he" and a father. I hit a ceiling with that type of terminology, because my concept of God was in a state of expansion and the people in my space had decided on specific definitions and genders.....
So fast forward (I'll share about the stuff imbetween another time) I'm in this Spiritual group and something's bothering me as I sit in this group meeting this past week. What is it?
And then it hits me: It's a group.
That's the problem. It's a group. And it doesn't matter what the group is about-there is a group dynamic that always prevails.
Was there space in this group for me to have my own opinions-and a space to express these opinions and not be disregarded if it doesn't fit with the group? Was there space in any group for this?
Any group-spiritual, sports, social or political-has an agenda. When you enter a group, there is a list of unspoken rules to be adhered to if you want to be accepted. That first season is a euphoric time. People are happy to see you, and you are celebrated as the newest addition.
Some groups, like Greek fraternities and sororities or the army, have rules that are very outward. Via a "hazing" process, these groups operate on the concept that it is a privilege to be chosen to be a part of them - and if you pass their proposed initation, you are part of something special. They make no bones about the fact that your personal identity has no place in the group and you exchange who you are for the collective.
Regardless to whether the group is openly structured or not, there exists common traits:
for example, there's "group speak"-a specific vernacular the people use to communicate.
There is a way that things are done, too. A status quo of sorts. And most often you discover this when you do something that does not fit in with that status quo.
As I sat there this week, observing the interactions of my current club, I realized that there was no place to say that I disagreed. Not only would it have not gone over well with the group faciliator, but the members would have been uncomfortable and some would have seen me in a disruptive light. This reminded me of my days in church, where I was also an "elder" and I also had to keep my mouth shut.
In that moment, I had to face the reality that the group is a seperate entity and that my job was to uphold this entity.
I want to throw it out there that groups aren't good or evil. That isn't the point of this at all. It isn't an issue of whether a group is good or bad, it's about what's external of us or internal of us-using our own power verses placing that power somewhere else.
The fact is, my energies were going into my new group to the point where it was taking away from things that I needed to be focusing on- like my creative passions and my burgeoning career as an entrepenuer-which was on the back-burner while I was so focused on the group's activities and on building the group up and making it healthy....
Here I go again!
In church, same thing, same scenario. I was sacrificing progressing in my own life for promoting the life of the collective.
What was amazing was that I was coming full circle and the universe was giving me another opportunity to speak my own truth. However, this time around, I had alot more wisdom.
The lesson suddenly appeared to me:
It doesn't matter if the people around you are positive or negative, the challenge is just the same. A person speaking their own truth is always difficult.
In other words, it takes courage to stand up for yourself and to do what is best for you.
Some people insist that you can have your own opinions and voice them-its just how you go about it. I would say that's true to a degree, but at some point, it never fails that your truth-no matter how sweetly you say it-will clash with the leader of the group's truth and with the group's objective. And the lesson I just mentioned still remains.
Doing what is in your best interest rarely-if ever-is in the best interests of the group of people you may be involved with. When I say "group" that can mean any community you may be a part of-be it a family, a church, a community organization, a political party, a sorority/fraternity, a race of people, or any type of organization that you may work for. So when you listen to yourself, it takes the utmost of courage to act on it.
With me, my inner voice has been telling me that I need to go within myself to find the answers to the things I seek...a total switch from my christianized mindset of days past- with me looking outside of myself to a God in the sky-a "savior" if you will- to find the truth.
I decided that I need to hear myself so that I'll know what to do about the situations in my life. I have decided to step back from my spiritual group so I can refocus my energies on creating the life that I want and deserve. And what a risk, isn't it?
Somebody may take it personally. Others may ask why I can't follow my heart and be completely committed to the club at the same time. And others will love and support me anyway. And being myself completely in this way will reveal those who truly reflect who I really am.
Either way, it becomes a beautiful thing. A beautiful thing, indeed.
The beauty of following your own truth is in part because it is our first and primary obligation here on planet earth. No matter how wonderful a group may be, our first allegiance is not to an organization. When we compromise ourselves for others, no one wins.
But the fact remains: the group requires our energy to keep it alive. Its needs are not yours or mine. It serves a purpose and the group doesn't mind you getting your benefits from it-but it requires your complete allegiance to be fully accepted.
You see how the dynamics work-those of us who are the most involved are the most celebrated. We are the people who are given leadership status. We're the ones who sacrifice ourselves for the group the most-and the more extreme the sacrifices, the more accepted we are.
...and one more thing: real spirituality is a journey that we walk alone.
It's a very personal-in fact THE most personal aspect of a human being. Spirituality can never be a group field trip.
It doesn't nullify our need to connect with people. I need it, you need it, too.
In fact, we are all one in the sense that we come from the same source. People are there to reflect who we are internally and to help us along the way, inspire us- or treat us poorly to help us learn lessons about who we really are and what we deserve.
....but at the end of the day, it's just you. It's just me. Nothing or no one external of us can connect us with our higher self and with the cosmos. Consciousness is an inside job. And as confusing as that can be for those of us raised to think we are human beings on a spiritual journey, the truth is that we are spiritual beings on a human journey.
Another time, a whole other topic :-)
Thanks for reading.
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