Losing my religion

With the new year fast approaching, many of us delegate that time to make big life changes. I have some great ideas for this blog in 2012 and my hope is that more and more people will see this and be helped by it in some way. You may be pondering your current circumstances in your church and wondering if this is what you signed up for. In this time of transition, I'd like to offer some signs to look for to give you some extra help as you seek to follow your inner guide. Your belief system no longer serves you when:  1. You dread Sunday mornings. In fact, you look for justifiable reasons  NOT to go , like when you were a kid and you said you had a tummy ache or a fever so you didn't have to go to school. You may even have panic attacks. 2A. The pastor's sermons begin recycling. His material is fresh to the newbies, but you know that he did the same three-point sermon last year at this same time. How many times are you going to hear the LOVE sermon on the 4 types of lov

Here on the east coast, there is a hurricane predicted to come tomorrow. They have evacuated parts of Queens, Brooklyn, and Manhattan. I grew up in NYC and I have never heard of a NYC evacution. Something is fishy about the timing of this whole thing. First an earthquake and now a hurricane-right before the anniversary of Katrina and 911? Back in my bible-thumping days, I would be very afraid. Afraid because the prophecies were coming true. There's a scripture that talks about earthquakes happening in many places and that the end is coming. If I was still religious-not to put down anyone who is-but I would be scared shitless. Here in America, there are entire Christian ministries devoted to end-time prophecy. You hear about the rapture so much that everytime something like this happens you-okay maybe me-I'll speak for myself here-I start worrying inside. I would feel uncertain about the future. I didn't want the world to end. I still don't. Nowdays, my focus i

Hey,  Still on the journey... it's all a journey isn't it? Hopefully it is for us all. I know people who have been in the same spot on the yellow brick road for decades. And they don't seem to be planning to move anytime soon. I'm entering a new part of my journey, now. I've dug a little deeper and explored the "God" concept alot more. Is there a word for God? Is "God" really an accurate word to describe him? Is "Jehovah" or all the cool-sounding names in the bible  the way to do it? What about "Allah"or the other deity names? The more I learn about this "God" the more I see that you cannot put this "God" within the confines of a name. The creator, the most high is beyond our linear thought. Sure, gotta call this power something, but that doesn't qualify or quantify who "he" is. No words in verbal language can capture this "God" in its entirety. And, this "God" is

My friends, in the spirit of April Fools Day, that special time each year when the proverbial wool is pulled over your eyes and  SURPRISE!! You're the butt of the joke... well, no one pulls more wool over people's eyes and punks them better than the church and its friend religion . So I dedicate this blog..ode the church. You know, there is nothing like the experience of abandoning the rigid confines of your belief system. I am beginning to accept that it will take a lifetime for me to detox from what has been drilled into me since the day I was born. As I write this, I am still going through changes in my belief system. As for me, I am beginning to welcome the gospel of "I don't know".  Such a scary place, isn't it? I mean, religion is all about certainty. 100% certainty. You can't doubt it-even for a sliver of a second. ...And if you do doubt it has to make what you  already believe even stronger. But who really knows what happens after you di

There's nothing I avoid more than running into people who I used to go to church with. Most times they are still in the church and they ask the infamous question: "So what are you doing these days?" Translation: Where are you going to church?   Are you going to church? Prove to me that you are still a Christian. "I'm good-I'm doing good-" I usually say. "MMHMMM" They usually say. Can't they see it in my eyes? Isn't it evident in my voice? Look at my glowing skin... MMHMMM translation: Whatever you say... They don't say it aloud, but I can see it in their eyes. I can hear it in their voice. They don't believe me. No matter what I say, how happy I am they don't see it. All they can see is what they've been programmed to see: saved or lost. blessed or cursed. In their mind there is only one formula for happy. Happy to the christian means serving God. Translation: serving the church. Happiness also

"Let go and let God" Translation: Stop bitching about it to me. I have my own problems. "Did you pray about it?" Translation: Stop telling me because I don't care. Go tell God and let him listen to you. "You have to surrender it to God" Translation: Being human is unacceptable. Where is your faith? You aren't being faithful so that's why God isn't answering you. "You're never alone. You have Jesus." Translation: Stop being human. Shut down all emotions and physchological processes immediately. "God has a plan for your life." Translation: I have a plan for your life.

I was in the foyer after a Thursday night service  putting  on my coat when I bumped into a teenager named Shaq. Shaq's looks were true to his name-at 15, he was huge and softhearted. Usually he had a big koolaid smile but that night he looked confused, anxious. "Let me ask you a question," he said suddenly. "They keep telling me that God has a plan for my life-that's all I keep hearing. But no one will explain that to me." He paused momentarily. "Helen, do YOU think God has a plan for my life?" I was stopped in my tracks. His brown eyes said a thousand words: I'm lost, I'm guilty, I'm confused. Helen please tell me all this is real and not a lie. Unfortunately, I was still indoctrinated. I gave him a compassionate, well-meaning, but pat answer: "YEAH.." The awkwardness made my voice crack. "Suuuure-of course God has a plan for your life." "Well, how do I know?" More pat answers. "You pra

The  word -cult- is still taboo in our society. Everyone is afraid of the big "C". I had a conversation with a friend who left the church. We were talking about how difficult it was to readjust to the rest of society after our experience. We both grew up in this church and I made the comment that it was a cult. Suddenly we were on different pages, speaking a different language.  "It wasn't a CULT," she stated softly but with indignance, "It was.....a VERY controlling environment." Well, let's all see the attributes of a cult and see if the shoes fits for our religious group or denomination... 1. the leader is charismatic and often militaristically demanding 2. the leader is always right 3. elitism, the leaders treated as royalty or a sense of awe, hierarchical, authoritarian power structure 4. lower members get no respect, or get abused 5. leader is not held accountable for his actions or the actions of his authority struct

"Girl, you'll never guess what I did!" Cradling the phone under my ear with my shoulder I was wide-eyed and intrigued. " No, tell me." "I just bought a house!" I almost choked on the carrot I was eating, pretending it was a orange-glazed sweet roll. "What ?!"   I was intimidated and excited for her all at once. "I don't know...I just did it. My mom co-signed for me and God worked all the details out...I still can't believe it.!" Since we both came from the campus ministry this house was a defiant crossover into the world of adulthood.   We had known each other since our sophomore year of college and we practically grew up together...  in the church. The church leaders where she lived disapproved of her getting a house becasue she was not married. Since she was single it was viewed as irresponsible. My friend went on to explain how she just couldn't wait to get married before she could do the things she wa

Am I the only one who thinks that Sensa is crack cocaine? Come on. who do they think they're fooling? I know cocaine when I see it-even FDA approved cocaine. I sprinkle it on my food and I lose my appetite?....  yep, Crack-cocaine.

It has been in my heart and on my mind. Single women in the christian church. When I see a group of christian women together, when I have memories of me and the girls... going out to eat going shopping going on vacation the christian single life reminds me of sex in the city... no, wait a minute. My bad.... I meant, Sexless in the City.  I know women who are virgins at 40 years old-and older. Women who were waiting on God to send them that man from the clouds of heaven. Women who were virgins when they became a christian  and years have passed them by while they dated Jesus. At 40, if you're gonna end up being single,  you might as well have enjoyed the ride like Carrie and the girls! I also know people who weren't virgins, but spent their lives trying to be "born-again virgins".  It was always a battle trying to resist the devil as he showed up in the forms of strong, maculine men.  In the church if you had sex before marraige, you were like

Different people leave the church system of religion for different reasons. Statistics show millions are leaving the church system as we know it, particularly in North America. I left in two phases. The first phase was me leaving the church itself. I had always had seeds of doubt, but I was willing to squash them on faith- or what I had always been taught was faith. But what I couldn't squash was the love factor. The lack of love among Christians was never-ending. If God was love, and the church was always marketed to be about love-not just love but unconditional love- then why were my fellow christians so heartless? Why did the preacher always have to preach sermons on love or have a "love campaign" just to get us to be involved in each other's lives?  I sat in countless church meetings-both casual and ministry staff meetings-where we discussed-or "shared" openly about our struggle to call one another, hang out together, and basically "be in one an

What do you do when you leave church or religion  and have made all your memories with these people? When you have boxes of photo albums filled with their pictures?   They own your memories. A song triggers a memory of you dancing together in the kitchen. A smell reminds you of when the gang went on vacation that summer. A color takes you back to your roommate’s wedding.   Now there is no one. Since your time and energy went into building these imaginary relationships, now you realize you drove your real friends away years ago. What happens when these real friends survive your belief system but are not as close to you after all these years as they could have been, when blocks of their lives have come and gone without you in it.... The single lifestyle is very difficult to maintain without friendships because of the constant social pressure to not be alone.   This single lifestyle is lonely by design - especially if you live alone and you are far away from family.   To weed out

I left the job interview under the impression that I had it in the bag. The girl interviewing me- and I do mean girl- was perky and bright-eyed as she spoke with me. "It sounds great" she said, shaking my hand.  "we'll be contacting you within two weeks." I never heard from her again. It's a recession. And recessions don't care who you are, how much potential you've got, how much education you have, or how much experience. I was dissapointed-not because I really wanted to job, but because I was rejected-and of course  because I needed the cold hard cash. I didn't pull out my bible to look up verses on prospering. I didn't pray for God to "move in a powerful way". I just went through it. I allowed myself to be upset-and depressed-and then hopeless-then angry-then upset again-and after a while to be hopeful again. As a Christian, I was never allowed to go through the natural cycle of the human experience. It was unde

I wonder how many single people out there are victims of PMS (post-ministry syndrome)? I can spot single PMS a mile away, over the phone, on webchat, you name it, I can sniff it out.  Because I am a PMS survivor, too. In another blog, I  wrote about Joe, the posterchild  for the socially illiterate. But in some way, all of us who were entrenched in the church  are...socially illiterate. No one escapes the flames of religion unscathed. In the christian religion, singles weren't even important enough to be mentioned in the bible, except for extracted verses on "not being unequally yoked" or "it is better not to marry..." The standard for single people was so high it was agonizing. It was always about what NOT to do. "DON'T be unequally yoked." "It is better NOT to marry." As a result,  I floated between states of euphoria to ones of depression as I failed to "overcome sin". Nothing was to be about me. I remember i

I wrote this blog months ago and frankly a lifetime ago as well. I have been through so many changes that I'm a different person now than I was when I wrote this. However I do feel the subject matter is still relevant and I'm just wanting to post it. So, here it is. I used to be the person who tried to "pull in" the person who was always in the corner, isolated and downright strange. Church, I thought back then, was supposed to be the one place where there was unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. I was kidding myself, because there were people who I didn't get along with, who didn't  like me all that much and others who freakin' irritated the hell out of me.  The minute I went over to strike up a conversation with that person in the corner-who everyone else sees but avoids -I quickly would get snagged up in their web of dysfunction and I would find myself looking around for help.  My roommates would sprint past me, my friends would give me

It takes a lifetime to recover from spiritual abuse. This abuse is the only abuse that rips you to peices and then tells you that you're not allowed to get bitter about it.  You aren't allowed to be angry and pissed off at the deepest violation that can happen to a  human being.  You are lied to, psychologically tormented and thrown to the curb by the leadership and your friends and somehow if you leave you cannot say one bad word about the bad place you came from. The church I was in was a evengelical cult. Truthfully I believe all religion is cultish. I guess the extreme tactics my old church did to recruit people put it over the edge. When people left like I did, it was psychologically ingrained into their subconscious that leaving this church meant leaving God. I remember practically having funerals for people who "fell away". Everything was about either trying to get people in, keeping people in, or getting them back in.  Now I am not someone who left churc