Freedom (Happy anniversay to me!)
Hello all!
It's been a while, I know, but I've been busy-dreaming, growing, living, loving, making following my heart and savoring life down to the last morsel.
January of this year made for my two-year anniversary! Boo-yah!
So, as you can see, I titled this blog "Losing My Religion". At the time, it was so appropo. Actually, in retrospect, I was really letting go of my religion. I was changing, growing, evolving and my religion wasn't. Religion isn't about expanding. There is a glass ceiling you smash into when you actually begin being spiritual. Christianity as I knew it taught us to always be studying my bible, praying and being involved with the "body of Christ" (aka fellow Christians in your particular denomination and/or church) in order to contimually grow more and more like Christ everyday.
My struggle all those years was that when I was being like Christ, I found myself up against some serious opposition. See, my views on Christ have changed over the past two years I have been writing this blog. My beliefs have been maturing, on a quest for true freedom and true enlightenment. That's what Christ is to me now- the archetype of man's enlightenment. The Bible, which I once believed to be literal, is now a metaphysical, esoteric and kabbalic masterpiece for the mind and soul.
In the beginning when you lose your religion, you lose everything you know-friends, family, money, security, lifestyle, social settings, and more. I know I did. I was homeless. My landlord put me out on the street when I told her I wasn't going to be a part of the church anymore. I lost my health, too. I was bedridden with a host of physical problems to the point I couldn't work and had to get disablity to support myself. And lastly, I did not have my peace of mind. And most importantly I didn't have my freedom. I had taken the first step-which was necessary-by making the decision to walk away from what was all I knew but wasn't working for me anymore. Now I had to find myself.
My religion had stolen my identity and self-worth. It took my freedom to be me. It seized my ability to love myself and to know myself, since all I was was a sinner who needed to be saved from hell. I was separated from God. Religion also kidnapped my concept of who "God" is and gave me a tyrannical, dictatorial, asshole who had a ginormous ego because he had to be worshipped non-stop. He was a pimp who I had to give him the first of all my money (even before I ate or paid rent) and he was an abusive husband who was jealous if i gave my attention to anyone else (even if it is my spouse or children).
It's not an easy road. It isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. You need courage and determination to be free. All I ever knew was Christianity-from Childhood Catholocism to Non-denominational Christianity (evangelical). If I didn't believe this anymore, then what would I believe? Is there anything left to believe? DO I evern want to believe anything else?
Figuring out life on your own terms takes time. Learning who you are takes time, too. It also requires the dedication to yourself. In religion, your allegience is not to yourself but to a "God" and the organization. This comes at a cost to your quality of life-your relationships, your physical health and your soul, too. Church told us to "deny ourselves" and carry the cross of Christ (at least mine did) and I did just that-almost killing myself spiritually, emotionally and physically in the process. Now it was time to take my life back.
Then, along the way, if you perservere and continue moving forward through the hell of identitiy crisis, lonliness, confusion, feeling suicidal, lost, hopeless, angry, scared and so on, you find yourself healing. You get your life back. And more. You build up an internal foundation so strong that no one or thing can ever take hold of it again. Through personal growth, study, and committment to knowing yourself and loving yourself, you become the master of your own destiny.
You have to deprogram your mind-detox it from all the junk that it's been bombarded with for years. We must redefine who God is, what prayer is, what is right or wrong, what is in our best interest and question EVERYTHING we have been taught. Everything.
For instance, you may cringe when I emphasize loving yourself. Religion teaches us not to love ourselves but to love "God". It tells us that we and "God" are separate entities. Is that true? Is loving yourself first selfish, wrong, a "sin"? What is sin? Says who? Do you have the courage to tear downa and rebuild your belief foundations-you know, the ones that subconsciously govern your life?
This doesn't happen overnight. At one point, I couldn't even hear someone mention the Bible or Church without tensing up and internally freaking out. I would get furious when people said a pastor was "doing the best he could" or the church does good work with charity. I felt wheneer someone said anything remotely positve oabout chrisitan anything it was a slap in the face to me.
But, two years later (and counting) I have healed so much. Wow. Looking back I am amazed at how far I have come. I am a new person. And I can tell you from personal experience that knowing yourself and loving yourslf is the key to it all.
Now, I'm working on BEING myself.
Peace and love,
Helen
January of this year made for my two-year anniversary! Boo-yah!
So, as you can see, I titled this blog "Losing My Religion". At the time, it was so appropo. Actually, in retrospect, I was really letting go of my religion. I was changing, growing, evolving and my religion wasn't. Religion isn't about expanding. There is a glass ceiling you smash into when you actually begin being spiritual. Christianity as I knew it taught us to always be studying my bible, praying and being involved with the "body of Christ" (aka fellow Christians in your particular denomination and/or church) in order to contimually grow more and more like Christ everyday.
My struggle all those years was that when I was being like Christ, I found myself up against some serious opposition. See, my views on Christ have changed over the past two years I have been writing this blog. My beliefs have been maturing, on a quest for true freedom and true enlightenment. That's what Christ is to me now- the archetype of man's enlightenment. The Bible, which I once believed to be literal, is now a metaphysical, esoteric and kabbalic masterpiece for the mind and soul.
In the beginning when you lose your religion, you lose everything you know-friends, family, money, security, lifestyle, social settings, and more. I know I did. I was homeless. My landlord put me out on the street when I told her I wasn't going to be a part of the church anymore. I lost my health, too. I was bedridden with a host of physical problems to the point I couldn't work and had to get disablity to support myself. And lastly, I did not have my peace of mind. And most importantly I didn't have my freedom. I had taken the first step-which was necessary-by making the decision to walk away from what was all I knew but wasn't working for me anymore. Now I had to find myself.
My religion had stolen my identity and self-worth. It took my freedom to be me. It seized my ability to love myself and to know myself, since all I was was a sinner who needed to be saved from hell. I was separated from God. Religion also kidnapped my concept of who "God" is and gave me a tyrannical, dictatorial, asshole who had a ginormous ego because he had to be worshipped non-stop. He was a pimp who I had to give him the first of all my money (even before I ate or paid rent) and he was an abusive husband who was jealous if i gave my attention to anyone else (even if it is my spouse or children).
It's not an easy road. It isn't for the faint of heart, that's for sure. You need courage and determination to be free. All I ever knew was Christianity-from Childhood Catholocism to Non-denominational Christianity (evangelical). If I didn't believe this anymore, then what would I believe? Is there anything left to believe? DO I evern want to believe anything else?
Figuring out life on your own terms takes time. Learning who you are takes time, too. It also requires the dedication to yourself. In religion, your allegience is not to yourself but to a "God" and the organization. This comes at a cost to your quality of life-your relationships, your physical health and your soul, too. Church told us to "deny ourselves" and carry the cross of Christ (at least mine did) and I did just that-almost killing myself spiritually, emotionally and physically in the process. Now it was time to take my life back.
Then, along the way, if you perservere and continue moving forward through the hell of identitiy crisis, lonliness, confusion, feeling suicidal, lost, hopeless, angry, scared and so on, you find yourself healing. You get your life back. And more. You build up an internal foundation so strong that no one or thing can ever take hold of it again. Through personal growth, study, and committment to knowing yourself and loving yourself, you become the master of your own destiny.
You have to deprogram your mind-detox it from all the junk that it's been bombarded with for years. We must redefine who God is, what prayer is, what is right or wrong, what is in our best interest and question EVERYTHING we have been taught. Everything.
For instance, you may cringe when I emphasize loving yourself. Religion teaches us not to love ourselves but to love "God". It tells us that we and "God" are separate entities. Is that true? Is loving yourself first selfish, wrong, a "sin"? What is sin? Says who? Do you have the courage to tear downa and rebuild your belief foundations-you know, the ones that subconsciously govern your life?
This doesn't happen overnight. At one point, I couldn't even hear someone mention the Bible or Church without tensing up and internally freaking out. I would get furious when people said a pastor was "doing the best he could" or the church does good work with charity. I felt wheneer someone said anything remotely positve oabout chrisitan anything it was a slap in the face to me.
But, two years later (and counting) I have healed so much. Wow. Looking back I am amazed at how far I have come. I am a new person. And I can tell you from personal experience that knowing yourself and loving yourslf is the key to it all.
Now, I'm working on BEING myself.
Peace and love,
Helen
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