Why religious/spiritual people are insensitive [and offensive] to spiritual abuse survivors

Life after spiritual abuse and cult abuse is unpredictable in many aspects. But one thing that has remained constant over the years since I left the ICOC cult back in 2006 (a very long time ago, folks) is the feedback I get from people who identify as Christian or who identify as "spiritual". This includes fellow cult survivors. 

It never fails. Especially the assumptions I am about to discuss that these people have of me. They see my content, be it on You Tube, Facebook, or on this blog and assume the following:

Assumption #1: I am damaged goods. 

They assume that I am broken, defeated, and a wounded little Bambi trapped in a well needing rescuing. They feel sorry for me. They reach out to me to virtually hug me or hold my hand before ever-so-subtly telling me to "get over it" in their nicety nice christian, "love & light" language. They are "concerned" about me. Their heart "bleeds" over this abuse I've suffered. They say things like, "I'm so sorry this happened to you" (which is appropriate) but then the next sentence goes left somehow.

These people assume that I left the cult yesterday. They assume that I am in my feelings and immature in my spiritual development. This is insulting. The assumptions I get about my state of spiritual health and maturity gets annoying at times. And this comes from my willingness to be outspoken about my experience with spiritual abuse and cult abuse. 

Assumption #2: I am disgruntled and stuck in bitterness.

This is the most common assumption I get. And it gets tiring at times. They assume that my content comes from a place of "bitterness" and unresolved anger. They think I am using my online platforms to spread my anger to either get back at the church/cult, or to vent because I have no one else to talk to, I suppose. This assumption leads to gaslighting ["I know you've been "church hurt"] and also leads to deflecting, ["You have to put your trust in God, not in men"] and ending up at spiritual bypassing, ["You got to forgive. Do it for you, not for them"]. After all, "hurt people hurt people". 

Assumption #3: I am misinformed. 

They think I am either purposely or ignorantly spreading inaccurate information about the cult (ICOC) or religion in general, christianity in particular. They comment or email me saying I am not seeing clearly (see assumption #2) and that the cult is not the way it was when I was there years ago. Or they claim I just don't know what I'm talking about. They might, depending on the topic, assume I don't know the bible and they proceed to copy and paste bible verses as if I am seeing it for the first time with no contextual insight. Usually when this happens it's a current cult member or church person who is in denial. They disagree with me, but instead of being clear on why they disagree and being able to lay out what I said that was wrong, they just assume and state that I am "misguided". 

Assumption #4: All of the above.

My math teacher in high school used to write the phonetic spelling of the word "Assumption" on the chalkboard and point to it, saying, "This is what happens when you assume: you make an ASS out of U and ME."

Yes, indeed, wise teacher. Life has proven you correct.

People assume these things when you speak out about spiritual abuse and cults. They assume you're the problem. They assume that you're broken, hurt, bitter, and angry. I have a blog post on here that addresses the "bitterness" fallacy. I talk about the angry label, too. If you are angry after spiritual trauma and abuse, isn't that a healthy response? Why wouldn't you be angry about being abused? Leaving a cult means leaving your life behind. For many of us, we literally lose everything - friends, family, money, and even the roof over our heads. We lose years we can't get back. What is unhealthy about feeling "bitter" or "angry" about that? Why wouldn't you feel regret, shame, pain? 

When you speak out about spiritual abuse and cults, people assume automatically that YOU'RE the problem, NOT the spiritual abuse. 

Assumptions are dangerous. It shows people's ignorance. If possible, when faced with such people, try and remember that they are ignorant and dismiss what they're saying, regardless of if they mean well. Many people are sincere, but sincerely WRONG. Their assumptions can hit us differently on a bad day, or when we are at a raw place emotionally. People experience suicidality after leaving cults, and someone's assumptions can send someone off the cliff they're barely hanging onto as it is. 

These assumptions are knee-jerk reactions to me speaking out candidly about spiritual abuse and cult abuse. When people hear such assertions of me (and others) breaking down concepts like recruitment, indoctrination, brainwashing, megachurch pastors, religious hypocrisy and the like, they experience cognitive dissonance. There is something about the christian belief system that blinds people from thinking objectively. They cannot examine their beliefs critically. 

The core tenants of christian faith include this concept of 'forgiveness' which is a toxic mind virus of pandemic proportions. 

I don't think many christians recognize it consciously, but when exposed to the reality of spiritual abuse and cults, it never fails to elicit the same old responses: "church hurt", "You put your faith in men, not God", "you're bitter" "you have to forgive" "we are all God's children" "The only perfect person is Jesus".....and so on. 

These responses are always the same. It doesn't matter the person's gender, race, ethnicity, nationality, geographic location, occupation, marital status, etc. The Christian rhetoric is universal. Using the same exact language, the same phrases, same words. The ideology of "turning the other cheek" is at the core of most assumptions people have when engaging with me. 

"Forgive because Christ forgave you" is the idea. The mentality that, "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God" blinds people from calling a spade a spade. Their christian beliefs are thought-stopping mechanisms, disarming their natural responses to abuse. Their programming won't allow them to hold the church accountable, to name spiritual abuse for what it is, to call out the hypocrisy of spiritual leaders who lead cults, religions, and [mega]churches. 

Christian beliefs are thought-stopping mechanisms, disarming believers' natural responses to abuse.

There is a toxic mentality that exists among people who make these assumptions that lead them to blame the victim. 

Christian ideology today blends well with positive psychology and prosperity culture to make this, "Everything is your fault". Emotions like anger and resentment are seen as weakness, a flaw, sin, ungodly. Emotions deceive us and should be suppressed. Christian worldviews create people who submit to authority, regardless if the authority is oppressive, abusive, and even dangerous. The only objective is to forgive the person and turn the other cheek. Challenging abuse is seen as the opposite of this. Suing someone or going to the police is seen as not forgiving. Divorcing that abusive husband is seen as disobeying God without trying to make the marriage work. 

We have to understand something: this is the pathology of people who make these assumptions.

My approach is to educate these people in the moment. Those who want to learn, will learn something. Those who don't will just get checked. I'm going to stand up for myself. As a cult survivor, I've served my time as a victim being disrespected and manipulated, allowing others to dishonor my boundaries. I'm not going to let anyone tell me how sorry they feel for me or how they feel where I am coming from BUT...fill in the blank with assumptions, gaslighting, deflection, and spiritual bypassing. 

When someone comes to you, whether in person, through email, or though social media comment sections or private inboxes with their assumptions about you as a survivor of spiritual abuse, cult abuse and/or religious abuse, it helps to identify what assumptions they are working from. (See above assumptions). This requires reading between the lines and listening closely for the real message behind their words. 

Ask yourself, what assumption is this person making about me? If, for example, they are assuming you are "bitter", they will talk about forgiving and moving on, and get into the whole "It's about God, not people" or "blah blah blah" about the bible saying there will be "deceivers of the flock". 

AS IF we need the bible to tell us that people will be grimy. I get it, though. When you subscribe to the christian/bible paradigm, this comes with the package, i.e. believing to the bible being the source of all understanding.  

The person making assumptions needs to ask you where you're coming from first. Address the assumption, not the person's words. It's easy to get lost in people's "word salad". They say a bunch of seemingly kind, empathetic things. They seem to care. They seem "concerned" about me. I listen, I read the full message. Then, if I choose to, I respond. I let them know they are wrong about their assumptions. I set them straight. I wish them well. (If I feel they deserve such wishes).

But I don't internalize their ignorance. And neither should you. That's harder said than done. It takes practice. It takes healing. It takes validation. It takes time, growth, support from others, support from within yourself. It takes educating yourself on spiritual abuse so you are grounded in the reality of your experience. People are dumb. They are ignorant. They may mean well, they may not. Either, way, spiritual abuse is real. Cult trauma is real. And their assumptions are not.