Life after the cult: Trust issues

Been thinking alot about what we as people give our trust to....I think we give away our trust way too easily. Leaders, politicians, social media influencers, you tube or face book personalities, and religious figures (pastors, church leaders) who have the "gift of gab" can too easily convince us that they have the answers to our lives. 

After my own cult experience, I realized that I didn't have healthy intellectual boundaries. I was recruited and converted as a teenager into the  #ICOC cult, so it makes sense that with so little life experience (and an undeveloped personal identity) that I entrusted myself to these people so easily. It was a hard, painful lesson with long reaching consequences.

Today, as a cult survivor of many years now, I have learned something: my trust has to be earned. I don't care that someone speaks on something with authority. I've seen so much in my life about people and the nature of people to know better. 

I don't care that my doubt offends people. I am no longer concerned about hurting someone's feelings (or their ego) when I reject all, some, or part of what they're saying. 

If it doesn't resonate, if it doesn't make sense, if the shoe doesn't fit me, I don't wear it. 

There's an old saying, "chew the meat and spit out the bones". In other words, take whatever applies to you and  throw out the rest. In other words, we don't have to swallow every message or idea whole. That's extreme, black-and- white thinking, which is dangerous.

This sounds simple enough. In real time, however, it is harder to do. When faced with a situation where you encounter new information from a persuasive individual, church, or other kind of group (think MLM) sifting though the BS can be tricky. 

I plan to unpack what vetting means for me in another post or other medium, but for now, know that when I say "vet" I am referring to criteria that must be met for you to accept an idea, ideology, or belief as being true. This is what I call "intellectual boundaries". Without such boundaries, anyone can come into your life and take control. This criteria I mentioned is an individual thing, meaning each person's criteria varies. You and I must decide on what our intellectual boundaries are. 

I refer to it as a metro bus where you pull a cord to indicate to the driver that you want to get off at the next stop. I will ride with a person or group until it goes where I am not willing to go. When an ideology goes left, be it due to extreme black and white stances, or weird, strange teachings, or anything that violates my intellectual boundaries, I hit the "bell" and get off the ride. 

Cults happen when people don't get off the bus. The driver is heading for a cliff and we don't get off in time. 

Critical thinking means knowing when to get off. It means saying, "I agree with some of your points, but your ultimate conclusion is not for me". 

An example in today's landscape is social media. You might subscribe to a platform such as Instagram or You Tube, where a content creator has a channel or page that you follow. This person is very popular, which means they have a large amount of internet followers and engagement. Their ideas are very persuasive and their arguments about [fill in the blank of what topic] are refreshing and sound solid. You agree with much of what they say until one day you watch a live video where they are proclaiming boldly some rhetoric that is off the rails. Maybe it is a belief that all of one gender or ethnic group is [fill in the blank] or they believe something that is so extreme and toxic that it is jarring. 

Having healthy intellectual boundaries means measuring this person's message against your own criteria and deciding what you agree with and what you do not. Again, this sounds simple, but in real time it can be mentally hard to go against the grain of the human herd of a popular or controversial thought leader. 

My cult experience taught me that I must vet everything because I am the one who has to live with the consequences of my decisions, such as whose advice I listen to, what I believe, and what ideas I subscribe to. 

Understand that there is a certain personality type that gravitates toward the limelight. Not everyone is a narcissist, but many people are, and we have to be on the lookout for such people and their ideologies. 

Narcissist types (not necessarily clinically diagnosed) present well. They look and sound like what people are yearning for. These leader types, for example, offer hope to the hopeless, be it the church movement visionary, the business guru offering an online seminar, the life coach, or the politician running for office. 

Even those who may come from a sincere place, such as some of the health 'experts' who insist on what people need to eat to be healthy (as they define it), may not know they're wrong or are just confident in what they are insisting on as the truth at the time. That SAME health expert will turn around a few years later and pivot, claiming the research has shown something different and that people "should do xyz now".  And they are also saying this new position with just as much authority as the last position. 

The point is rather simple: don't trust people so easily. Make them earn your trust. Make them prove themselves to you before you buy into what they're saying or offering. Remember, these people are human just like you and me. Someone being confident in what they say does not mean -and I repeat, it DOES NOT- mean they are right or that they know what tf they're talking about, especially when it comes to your situation. 

Making people earn your trust doesn't mean be cynical. It means operating with a healthy dose of skepticism. This applies to all kinds of relationships and situations. 

To protect ourselves, it takes a clear mind and a solid self identity to withstand the groupthink that seems to happen with people over an ideology, group, or belief. 

It also requires intellectual fortitude and love for oneself to critically analyze a spiritual belief, a "once in a lifetime business opportunity" or a political position. 

It takes striking a balance between healthy skepticism and being open-minded to receive new ideas that may be beneficial or even life changing. This means vetting new ideas to see if they are true and if they are true for your life specifically.  For example, when someone gives cookie-cutter weight loss advice, vetting such advice to see if it is true for your body.

We must develop the skills to know the difference and to avoid extremes. It's okay to not agree if something doesn't resonate with you. It's okay to have doubts and be skeptical. We should ask questions until we are clear on what we are hearing. 

It's okay to take time to think things over and process new information. This is actually good because it allows us to integrate what the DBT cognitive approach calls "wise mind" and "emotional mind". Cults play on our emotions by using the fear of missing out (FOMO) such as fear of going to hell if you don't accept a group's theology. 

So, trust is a valuable commodity. Trust is the gateway to our hearts, minds, time, energy, relationships, and our bank accounts. Make people earn it.