Reflections on life after leaving a cult

I've been spending some time looking at my past. I was recruited into the International Church of Christ cult in 1995 and left the group in 2006. What I realize now is how much I was indoctrinated. I tended to believe that being extreme was the only legitimate way to be. 

My personality, to be fair, was conducive to such extremism. I am an "all or nothing" type of person. When I commit, I am 100%. I don't half-ass anything. So when encountering the teachings of the ICOC movement, the discipleship ideology was not only interesting but appealing. 

As a freshman in college at the time I was recruited, my roommate would roll out of bed every morning, get on her knees beside the bed to pray, go to church every Sunday, criticizing me for not going with her....all while being one of the most vile, mean, abusive people I have ever met. She was only one of many examples I witnessed. The extremism and elitist black- and- white ideologies of the ICOC looked mighty appealing in the wake of all the religious hypocrisy and mediocrity surrounding me on a daily basis.

The ICOC cult always said that "the bible is the standard". This appealed to my sense of integrity. It was presented as integrity, as adhering to the Bible as God intended. (The accuracy of the latter is another conversation).

However, the point is that the ICOC's "high standard" of being the self-proclaimed "modern day movement of the first century church" made them stand out from my own experiences with church and religion growing up. I longed to have a relationship with God now that I was older, but on my own terms. I wanted to practice what I profess and to be around people who did the same.

So when I went to more "liberal" churches, I didn't see them as taking their faith seriously. I found most other groups to be more "flakey" and not as committed. I believed that extremism was necessary in order to be serious about a thing. As a result, I endured the grueling ICOC bible studies-despite the red flags- by telling myself that their abusive behavior was a character-building issue of "no pain, no gain".

I became convinced that being "made into a disciple" was therefore this profound transformation that would naturally be uncomfortable as I did more bible studies with the ICOC and began the process of living as a "true disciple".  In hindsight, this thought process of "if the teaching isn't strict, then it isn't good" led me into the ICOC cult and made me vulnerable to other types of cults after leaving.

I've learned since those days to find a middle ground to life. The middle path works best for me. Being extreme in worldview can be crippling. It can also isolate you from the people in your life. I am by nature opinionated, but I'm much better these days at letting people be themselves and not feeling so tense and frustrated all the time. The need for simplicity in the world is one of the pain points cults use to manipulate people into accepting the ideology.

Life is not black and white. That's excruciating to face. Ambiguity and uncertainty is scary and uneasy. The more I come to terms with the uncertainty of life, the more tolerable life becomes. Peace comes with radical acceptance of what we can't control or figure out.

The seduction of cults and religion is the comfort of simplistic answers to life's biggest uncertainties. Christian belief offers an existence where you're a special, chosen child of a paternal God who knows everything, is in control of everything and is working for your good in everything.

No worries about bad consequences. Jesus died for your sins, so you're good on that. 

Worried about love, kids, money, sickness? Pray. 

Lonely? Church promises community and family.

Feeling an identity crisis? Flip the bible open and read the scriptures on having a new identity in Christ. 

Feeling depressed? Pray and repeat scriptures as positive affirmations. 

Low self esteem? Tape the bible verse "I am fearfully and wonderfully made" on your bathroom mirror. 

The list continues but the point has been made.

Life after the cult is a journey. The journey, in fact, is the destination. Not trying to sound "zen" or anything, but this is what has been true for me. Processing, unpacking, reflecting, embracing, and self-awareness are faithful travelling companions on this life journey. And life is alot easier when there isn't the pressure for everything to make sense in a black-and-white way.