Spiritual Abuse: Lovebombing/Withholding Affection/ Emotional Manipulation

 

Lovebombing: The "church brochure"

Church life is presented as a sort of sanctuary from the larger society. It is supposed to be, according to the Christian new testament ideology of golden rule principles, first century church stories in the book of Acts, (and all the unspoken rules that are inferred from such bible scriptures) a community full of unconditional love, grace, peace, support, integrity, authenticity, and positive regard. 

The unconditional love, in my experience, is on the "church brochure". It's church branding 101. In my you tube video, I talk about the dark side of church culture. I spent 11 years as a member of a non-denominational evangelical church called the ICOC (International Church of Christ) where the church was promoted as a "spiritual family".  This family was supposed to be stronger than blood family. We referred to each other as "brothers and sisters" in Christ. This was patterned after the church in the book of Acts in the New Testament. But I soon found out that all the so-called love was really LOVE BOMBING. 

Love Bombing is showering a person with affection to disarm their defenses. It is coming to church gatherings and being bombarded by smiling faces, hugs, and a tidal wave of positive affirmations. You feel so welcomed and celebrated. Who doesn't feel good when people are telling you how awesome you are, how pretty you are, how special you are? We all want to belong somewhere. Like the 80's sitcom Cheers, everyone wants to be somewhere where "everybody knows your name".  

The problem with love bombing is that it isn't sincere. You haven't "earned it". They don't know you enough to shower you with so much affection so soon. You probably are awesome, but they don't know you well enough to know it yet. Lovebombers have an agenda. In the ICOC, the agenda is to recruit you into their church organization/cult. They want to "love up on you" so you are open to studying the bible with them. The idea is that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You are the fly and love bombing is the honey. 

Once you've succumbed to the love bombing,  you are now going to see the mask come off. In this case, once you officially join the church, you see behind the smiling faces on Sundays and the soul stirring sermons from the pulpit, and the merry singing of gospel hymns. There is a darker side that emerges once you get past the honeymoon stage of joining a church or a church movement. 

Church movements like the ICOC and International Christian Church (ICC) offer family and community to newcomers but in actuality the church operates like a fortune 500 company. Being a church member feels like being in corporate america. The culture is similar to the Hunger Games, where it's competitive and harsh. The Christian grace, love, and fruits of the spirit the church insists sets them apart from "the world" is really a mirage. It's a sales strategy. It is like an ad promising that if you buy this product, your life will be fixed. It won't. And worse still, if you mention the lack of fulfilled promises the church will eviscerate you without mercy. 

The church is ruthless when it comes to criticism. Criticize the church leaders, the church culture and you will quickly find out that the church is at best a dysfunctional family and at worst, a cult entity. My former church, the ICOC, functioned as a business entity that will kick your butt to the curb if you threaten their reputation, including ability to collect money, recruit new members, and provide a comfortable lifestyle for the leaders. 

With the love bombing making these promises of so-called "forever family", the worst part is that as easily as they shower this love on you, they can (and do) eventually take it away. The love bombing phase doesn't last forever. 

The ICOC church treated new converts like children with new toys. They get bored with you after a while. Then they move on to the next hot, new convert. 

It's all about the next conquest with evangelical movement churches. Unlike for instance, Catholic churches, evangelical movements are like companies traded on the stock market, always looking for growth and increased numbers. More church visitors, more tithes, more donations to missions, bigger meeting facilities...more, more, more. Growth for these churches equals spiritual growth.....Or at least that's what they tell you and me.