Disarming the word "Bitter" [Bitter-phobia] explained

 

"Bitter" is a loaded word in christian circles. Even outside of religion, "good vibes only" communities also are "bitter-phobic". Many people act as if being bitter is the end of the world. 

Well, I've got some great news for ya...

Bitter is not the end of the world.

In our society, however, "Bitter" is the scarlet letter. It is the ultimate shaming tactic. It is the most potent character assassination. 

Some people talk about "moving on" from trauma and abuse. This "be better not bitter" mentality comes across as self-empowerment, but it has a dark side. This mentality can also be a cover for self-righteousness or gaslighting. Calling someone "bitter" is so lethally weaponized that people level it at others to neutralize them, to shut them down. 

Bitter is weaponized against others. People call you bitter to shame you and silence you.

It's time to tackle the whole concept of being so-called bitter. I'm tired of hearing this word. I'm tired of emotion-shaming. 

Bitter is a loaded word. So much is implied when it is said to someone: 

"You're bitter"

"He's just bitter"

"I want to be better, not bitter"

Christian ideology has made us bitter-phobic. In the church I was part of for almost 12 years, being labeled "bitter" made you a deplorable. "Bitter" people had cooties. "Bitter" church members were in danger of leaving God and going to hell. "Bitter" meant you had a prideful spirit and that your heart was hard. You needed to be fed with a long-handled spoon. You were the spiritual walking dead.

Due to these repercussions, Christians develop a phobia to bitterness and "unforgiveness" and anger.

You are not allowed to have these emotions. Only God is allowed to get angry. His anger is righteous anger, says the bible. 

The church leaders can get angry, too. They're "God's chosen". 

But us? Forget it. We are allotted a very small window to be angry, resentful, and bitter. In fact, the mindset is, that anger comes first, then resentment. If you're resentful too long, then you become bitter. 

Bitterness is the final frontier. Once you cross that line into bitter territory, there's no hope for you. You're lost. Your heart is turned to stone. Your soul is turned from God. 

As a result, people (myself included), resist anger at every turn. We resist allowing ourselves to feel angry-especially in situations where it is justified. The fear of bitterness and of hell causes us to do crazy mental gymnastics to avoid admitting to ourselves we are angry. Chronic anger is what we call resentment. 

The dictionary says resentment is:

: a feeling of indignant displeasure or persistent ill will at something regarded as a wrong, insult, or injury.

One thing about anger, resentment, and bitterness is their authenticity. Suppressing anger does not make anger change to something else. It just lingers beneath the surface, waiting for the right trigger to set it off. What's good about these emotions is that they force us to be real, to be honest...to be authentic. 

Anger, resentment, and bitterness are good because they force us to be real, to be honest with ourselves, and to be authentic.

I'm saying that demonizing these emotions has toxic repercussions. We are human. Life is f---ed up. Things happen to us, people do us dirty, systems exploit us....churches abuse and traumatize us......

But-

There is a HUUUGE problem in our world. We have been brainwashed into believing that NOT being angry, bitter, or resentful is a sign of godliness and goodness. We believe that "forgiving" is the appropriate response to injustice. 

Even worse, "forgiveness" is hidden under the self-help concepts of personal empowerment, telling people things like, "You forgive for yourself, not for others" or "Bitterness is drinking poison hoping the other person will die". 

No one's saying that holding grudges is healthy. No one is fighting to be "bitter" to where your blood pressure rises and your heart turns to stone. No one is advocating to be an old, spiteful recluse. 

BUT-

The problem most people face is censoring their own emotions out of shaming from family members, church environments, or other social circles. As a society, anger is feared. We're afraid that a bunch of angry people will make too much ruckus. Too many "bitter" people aren't going to take injustice lying down. They're going to take action to make change. 

The church has played an insidious role in oppressing people's anger and "bitterness" by labeling it "sin" and guilting people into a state of self-imposed "forgiveness" without ever acknowledging they are angry and facing what made them angry to begin with. 

If you ask me, most "bitterness" comes from suppressing anger. We aren't allowed to be angry. Christians claim that it's okay to be angry just "in your anger do not sin".

Let's be real. This is just bible scripture lip service. In reality, you aren't morally or socially permitted to be angry. You have to jump straight to "forgiveness". And in the process, this means shoving all your real emotions into the basement of your mind in an effort to bury them. 

The whole point here is that bitterness is not the end of the world. 

Being bitter is not going to send you to "hell". 

Bitter has a time and place, just like joy and peace.

And bitter does not have to be permanent- IF you allow yourself to be human and not judge your emotions and IF you don't suppress your true feelings. 

It's just an emotion --an emotional state towards a person, place, or experience.

Bitterness is a sign of resistance to being hurt, harmed, or mistreated.

But it isn't the end of the world.