My Response to people who keep saying, "Be better, not bitter"

A person who shall remain nameless contacted me on social media recently to complain about a cult recovery support group we are both members of. This person used subtle language and "written dog whistles" to see if I would bite. The idea, I surmised, was to get me to commiserate with them about the group. 

As a veteran in this cult-survivor, spiritual journey thing, I knew exactly what was happening. This person isn't new. I've met my share of this kind of person before. And I must admit, this is one of my least favorite kinds of people. 

This was the type of individual who complains about a "lack of progress" in support group settings. This kind of person joins the private Facebook group, subscribes to the You Tube Channel or even goes as far as to pay for membership on a platform like Patreon. 

But this type is one who feels superior to the group. They see themselves as "progressive". They label others as being "stuck" and whine about people in the group complaining too much about the past. As this person who private messaged me, these types are indignant about "moving on" and being "better, not bitter". The way the person typed those words, the obnoxious energy jumped right off the screen at me...

I offered some pearls of wisdom in my response. I shared about the purpose of support groups. I said that the group members aren't "complaining" about the same things over and over. I explained that they were sharing their experiences with the only people in the whole world who understand. I wrote about the power of verbalizing trauma and exchanging memories, anger, bitterness, and other emotions in a safe space with others who can relate. I hoped to disarm this loaded term "bitterness" to help this person understand that emotions are not bad. I tried to illustrate how the spiritual recovery experience is a process and part of healing involves support and sharing their stories and personal struggles.

Something told me I was wasting my time, but I try and give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe I was misreading the message. Perhaps under all that perceived obnoxiousness, there was a hurting soul reaching out for connection. 

Damn, was I wrong.

This person's response to me was so...this person's head was all the way up in their own @ss. As I said before, I know this type. This is the die-hard Christian church goer whose life goal after leaving the cult is to be a good christian and find a "healthy church". Their reply did not disappoint. 

The person said "do you, I'll do me" in a way that meant that their "doing me" was superior to my "doing me". They said that myself and the other group members can stay "stuck in bitterness" if we want to. "As for ME" they declared, "I want to be "better, not bitter". The way all this was worded painted a picture of a person with their nose in the air talking down to me. 

...Wait. It gets worse. 

In my message, I explained my philosophy that life and spiritual recovery is a journey, not a destination. This individual responds with: "Well, spiritual healing IS a destination".  I'm trying to be a good Christian and renew my faith, go to church, read the bible. 

"I actually want to be better, not bitter" was the words stated. They were impatient with what they viewed as a lack of progress. They were the person rolling their eyes when someone posts a memory from the cult. They grit their teeth when people share their pain, anger, "bitterness" and other emotions. 

This type of person exists in every group. It doesn't matter what kind of group, where the group is, and what the purpose of the group is. They are the ones who feel talking about pain is a weakness, that talking about the past is a waste of time (just get over it!). 

This is the person who wants "solutions". They want to "move on" They see sharing about cult experiences (for more time than what they think it should take) makes a person "stuck".

I usually don't do this, but I cussed this person out and blocked them.

Why? Because I run a spiritual abuse platform. And someone like that doesn't need to be there. I told them to go back to church or the church cult we both come from if their destination is to read the bible and go to church. Why linger in the group and complain that it isn't about "healing"? 

All this person has done is gaslight others. Time to go bye-bye.

You know what's annoying? When you share invaluable advice with someone and they shit all over it. They totally disregard it. It was another "tossing your pearls to swine" moment. This person proceeded [to attempt] to tear me to pieces in her response. 

Another irritation is when a person communicates with you for the first time and knows nothing about you....and yet proceeds to make huge assumptions about who you are.  This person doesn't know me. I'm a faceless person on the internet with a platform. I'm also a member of the same support group. But they know nothing of me to say that I'm "Stuck" and "bitter" just because I don't view the group the way they do.

As I told this person, I believe in the journey. Of who we become in the process of moving forward. People like this don't want a journey. They want a specific destination that often is familiar. They aren't interested in evolving nor are they interested in existential exploration. For them, there's a small window for all the empathy and crying stuff. Suck it up, buttercup! It's time to move on.

I believe in the power of moving on. But moving on doesn't look like "sucking it up" or putting a bow on it and calling it "forgiveness". Moving on, to me, looks like being real, being authentic. There are days where you take ten steps forward and then others where you take 20 steps back. I have been gone from the cult I was part of for over 15 years now. And still things come up that are related to my experience there. That' s why healing from spiritual abuse is a journey. 

People like this want to LEAP OVER the healing part, the ups and downs, the tears, the darkness, the pain, the joys, the laughs, the victories and setbacks and JUMP STRAIGHT into being "healed" once and for all. 

.....As if there is such a thing. Only in the ego.

The ego wants to be "Strong", to be invincible. Ego wants to scrap any weakness and vulnerability and skip to the part where you're "all better now". Ego sees empathy as a waste of energy. Empathy slows down progress in their eyes. Just get over it, huh?

In reality, being "healed" is a process. It isn't a fixed position. Life doesn't work that way. Healing isn't a point A to Point B event. Healing is the journey in between: The lessons learned, the growth, the internal fortitude, and learning to be a whole person. 

So, for my friends who keep  complaining about wanting "solutions", here are some SOUL-lutions for ya:

Solution #1: Leave the cult or spiritually abusive situation

Solution #2: Educate yourself on cults and spiritual abuse to understand what happened to you and so you won't fall victim to another kind of cult in the future

Solution #3: Learn what boundaries are. Put boundaries in place to guide your life and protect yourself from abuse.

Solution #4: Engage in personal development and personal growth. This includes introspection, self-reflection, honesty, and integrity.

Solution #5: Disengage from previous belief systems and take the time to assess what you really believe and why. Then, once you feel ready, begin constructing your own belief system that resonates with you.

Solution #6: Begin building a new support system. This can include new, healthy friendships, romantic relationships, and mental health support (therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, or life coach).

Solution #7: Develop a new life plan. Disavow from the cult and religious concept of "God's plan for you". What do YOU want? What are you interested in? What kind of life do you see for yourself in alignment with your current situation? For example, if you are permanently in a wheelchair, then being an NBA player is not a reasonable plan. 

If you haven't already, check out my:

Spiritual abuse FB page: https://www.facebook.com/spiritualabusehealing4life

Spiritual abuse You Tube channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kb5v58ROZ80