The "Church Home" Fantasy: the TRUTH about church that's hard to Accept

Below is a real comment on a blog post titled, "5 Tell Tale Signs Your Church is geared to insiders not outsiders". I'm going to answer the question at the end, since this person's observations illustrates what church is like for most: 

I attend a fairly large church that had some troubles in the past with the Pastor (among many other things) advancing his own agenda and his own family as staff. Again, there were other things. My problem is that, with that Pastor gone, it appears to be happening again. While in both cases, I would say, the Pastors children seemed to be godly Christians, but there is this underlying sense that they are using the Church to advance their own families. And then it creates this tight circle.
It’s absolutely wonderful that a pastor can manage to care for a church and then have his children desiring to walk and work in the Church.
So why does it feel so very wrong?

My answer:
Why it feels wrong is simple, but hard to accept.


Look, we need to understand something about church: it's a business. Organized religion is a business, an organization, a 501c3, a nonprofit. For many large churches, it's an empire, a legacy. This is what this particular church sounds like. This church is that family's BUSINESS. The pastor is the CEO. In some churches the lead pastor is the founder AND CEO. The wife is the "first lady". The kids are the HEIRS to the business, set to take over when their father retires.

Their agenda is first priority. On the agenda is their own self-preservation: of their money, their ministry [business] and their family and inner circle. 

Church is a cold, cold, game.

Even though the pastor left and a new pastor came in, the same dynamic plays out again, as this person is seeing. 

Why?

Because the pastor isn't the issue. It's the institution of church. It's organized religion. It's a business. Being a pastor is the equivalent of being hired as CEO of a company. This is about POWER. Power, as the saying goes, corrupts. Most of us can't handle power and influence. And few positions in society hold power like a religious or spiritual leader. 

This isn't about the pastor being a good person or meaning well. We're talking about what actually goes on. As the "CEO", the new pastor is brought in for a reason, to fix what the last pastor did, and meet certain metrics for the church, i.e. increase membership. 

When the new pastor comes in, he's going to put his family and friends on - and whoever else he feels will advance his power and influence. That's what people do. You surround yourself with people who are going to protect your interests. Just like at your job, the same dynamics are there at the church. Remember, this is their career. For you it's about community and faith and all that, but for them, this is work. 

The paid church staff relies on the church the way you and I rely on our jobs to survive. They have salaries and 401Ks and health insurance packages with dental. Their kids may be in private school. So, you're going to have the back biting, gossip, sucking up to get ahead, stealing money, cooking the books, and dirty secrets at church, just like any corporate workplace. 

This is why pedophiles or sexual assaults by leaders are swept under the rug. The church brings in its PR team to clean things up. Because...it's a business.

We have this highly romanticized, fairy-tale idea about church. Church is this magical, safe place. It's where everybody knows your name. It's where righteousness and morality rule. Church is where you find community, unconditional love, care, trust, safety. It's this utopia where we can find God and godly people with godly values living godly lives. Church is fantasized about as a refuge from the cold, harsh, cruel world.


We see church as a place where there are no pedophiles, no alcoholics, no abusers, no rapists, narcissists, or people with anger issues.  Everyone smiles and welcomes you with open arms. No one is racist, sexist, ableist, elitist. Everyone feels welcome and accepted....


Right?


WRONG.


This is a hard pill to swallow, but it's the answer to this person's question: Church is NOT inherently any of these things I just mentioned. The people in the church are just like the people outside the church. Whether it's a small town church, a medium sized church, or a huge megachurch, the same truth applies. 

People are people.

In the church, you got all types. You got assholes. You got ego-driven, self-serving types. You got narcissists. You got perfectionists, laid back types, outgoing personalities, introverted people, insecure people, confident ones, jerks, empathic people, highly sensitive people (HSP). You got racist people, sexist men, drug addicts, wife beaters, nymphomaniacs, conservatives, liberals.....

...you got people.

Sorry, but being a "saved" christian does not change the types of people. It doesn't. And the religion is structured that way by the theology. Think about it: It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, Jesus died for your sins. It is a theology based on GRACE. So that pedophile sitting in church next to you is going to heaven along with you because he said the "sinner's prayer" or got baptized, or prayed Jesus into his heart, or answered the alter call, or  whatever that particular church requires him to do to be "saved".

In other words, being a christian is not based on ones' behavior. It's based on faith in Jesus being the son of God (John 3:16).

So....church is a petri dish for assholes, narcissists, jerks, sex offenders, emotionally unavailable people, etc. etc.

You don't have to change [or repent], you can ride from here on out under the banner of being "not perfect" or a "saved sinner" or a "work in progress". 

Christian church environments are entirely performative, which makes it a safe space for superficial and emotionally unavailable people. Put your best clothes on, look your best, smile and perform [be it on stage or in the audience] and you're a 'good' christian. 

Church is not where you're allowed to "be real" with how you're really doing. Most times church resembles a country club more than a humble community of support. When you do open up, odds are you will be met with coldness, indifference, or judgment. Or the cliche' christian platitudes: "Pray about it" "Trust God" "God has a plan" "God won't give you more than you can bear" or "Surrender to God".


When I say these things, I'm not coming from the same place the church comes from when they are challenged on their hypocrisy. They say "no one is perfect but Jesus" and "saved sinners" to justify their behaviors. 

I'm saying "people are people" to dispel the "church home" fantasy. People are not moral and caring because of their religion. If you need religion to make you moral and caring, then you AREN'T moral or caring.


The harsh truth: people who need religion are devoid of what we call God being in their hearts.


We love the scripture, "God is love". Yet we wonder why at church there is no love. Why don't we feel welcomed or connected? Why is the pastor or evangelist so cold to me? Why won't the pastor's wife return my emails or phone messages?

Again, the excuse is that they're people and they have bad days, too. YOU don't get that pass, but they do.


To be fair, it isn't our fault. The religion of Christianity sells us love in its purest, unconditional form. It's the church's product. Grocery stores sell food. The church sells hope, comfort, and redemption. The doctrine speaks of "fruits of the spirit": peace, love, joy, etc. If we grew up in church, if we came from a religious family, christianity is part of our culture.


So it makes sense that we seek out a "church home" we can call our own when we become adults. Maybe it's when we go away to college or when we move to a new city, state or country. I think church is the go-to community because of its open door policy. Even the clique-iest churches allow anyone to visit and join (unless it's a cult like the one I got entangled with freshman year in college). The easy-to-join policy of church is more accessible than say, joining a fraternity or sorority or some other kind of group. Other social groups require money or status or application process that vets you harshly.


Which is why I think church is the place we seek out to find community. After all, church promises this. It calls itself, the 'kingdom of God' or 'God's church' of "God's people' or 'saved' people or 'God's flock'.


What else would we think to expect from 'God's people'? Wouldn't it make sense to expect that when we walk in to church for the first time, that people would be friendly, at least? If we serve in the children's ministry or other church activity, wouldn't we be welcomed and seen by our fellow christians? If we go week after week, is it too much to ask to feel welcomed?


No, it isn't too much to ask...IF church was not a business.


In the above comment, there is going to be "favoritism" in church. The pastor is going to favor his children (again, the heir to his throne) over random church members. That's how it goes in organized religion. The church is an entity that needs certain things to survive. One, it requires human resources, just like any business - primarily money/funding and labor (i.e. serving for free in children's sunday school teaching kids). Ultimately, the objective is that the organization is more important than the individual.


I know, this is hard to hear. But it's why the person in the comment is wrestling internally. They haven't come to terms with church being a business. The church is the empire that the pastor has built and it's all about the survival of that empire. As long as people are sold on church being "in the bible" and insist on the scripture about "not forsaking the assembly", church will always be in business.


Actually, what drives the customer base for church is the world itself. Life is so scary and uncertain and brings with it so many pains that hope is in high demand. People need hope and a sense of security to get through life. Church offers this. Regardless of how toxic the church culture is, or how much cognitive dissonance the bible invokes, the pastor and bible group leaders are there to ease the existential angst, and that is, for all intensive purposes, priceless.


Yes, the pastor's children seem "godly enough", [whatever that means] presumably they're polite and friendly in public, like a politician. But these kids are to that church what the president of the United States' kids are to the country, in terms of privilege.

It may seem hopeless to accept reality but I am a strong proponent of accepting reality as the key to successful living. Living in fantasy does not work out for most of us. You're not going to find this "church home" you're looking for, just like Dorothy in the Wizard of OZ didn't find the grand Wizard, only an old man behind the curtain pulling levers. I still think finding community is possible, but church is often not that built-in community we long for. It's a mirage. It's a fool's errand.


Christianity does not bond people, nor does it make a healthy organic community. If you insist on this, and keep going to churches seeking this safe place, you will continue to be disappointed over and over. You will be hurt, rejected, and used over and over, too.


If Christianity/religion doesn't bond people [at least in a healthy way], then what does?


Being like-minded. Sharing core values. Not agreeing on everything, but on what matters to you. If, for example, you believe in traditional family values, then you may find community among those who hold those same values.


I know, church is supposed to be a place with like-minded people who share, for example, morally traditional values. But everyone who comes to church is there for different reasons. And honestly, church doesn't foster an environment where people can disagree or be themselves. Some people just are there out of habit or tradition. They leave right after service ends. Others are there with their own agendas. And that may or may not include making new friends or becoming emotionally invested.

The lack of community church offers leaves a gap which church cults are there to fill. These cults love bomb new members with the affection that church as a whole won't offer. Cult churches "see" us, we're visible, our presence is acknowledged while most churches ignore new members, rendering them invisible.


That's why we have to be aware of cults and tactics they use to exploit our need for community. As a former cult member of a church like this, I can tell you that if you are approached by a member of this kind of church, run!


Finding community takes time. I wish it was easier, but we just don't live in a world like that. In the real world, being a christian doesn't bypass how difficult people can be, and the toxicity people bring to the table. We have to be self aware of our own issues and work through them and develop self esteem and self worth. We also have our own identity where we know our core values so then we can identify who is "like-minded".


Two people being Christians does not mean in any way that they are like-minded. I knew plenty of Christians who are narcissistic, for example. That is not a match for me.... or for you, either. 

Christianity is a belief. It's not who the person IS. I knew other Christians I just didn't vibe with. We had nothing in common. The religion or belief in God just isn't enough.


We have to get realistic about community and what it looks like. We have these ideas that probably aren't our own. Most likely they came from television shows or movies. We're not going to have 10 best friends. If you're lucky, you will have 1 or 2 real friends in your lifetime.


And that's ok. If we adjust our expectations of community, then we can have a better experience. There are levels of community. Church is the superficial level of community, where everyone is there to have a shared experience, such as a church Sunday morning service or a secular music concert. Everyone isn't there to be besties, they are there to enjoy the musical artist or band or to hear the pastor's sermon.


When you understand that, you won't feel so disappointed. The next level of community is getting involved. Such as volunteering in the church. It gives you a chance to check out the church more and see what the culture is like. Are people gossiping? Are people caring or sincere?


See, we have to approach church like we would someone we're dating. We don't give our hearts out on the first date. We don't expect to fall in love or be proposed to for marriage on the first few dates. We're getting to know the person and looking for red flags. When you date with your expectations too unrealistic, it becomes painful. Church is the same.


[Me personally, I feel the same about church as I do about dating, but that's for another discussion].


Still looking for a "church home"? Good luck.