The Toxicity of "Purity Culture"

Purity culture is prevalent in many religious and church environments. It is pervasive in cults, especially church cults. 

What IS "purity culture"?

First and foremost, understand that most groups that practice purity culture do not CALL it purity culture. This is a term those of us who are on the outside use to put a name to it. This helps us to identify what it is so we can analyze it and understand it better. The hope is that knowledge is power and 'diagnosing' these toxic cultural dynamics can help others avoid it altogether or, if they're in it, to know what is happening to them so they can get out and not blame themselves.

"Purity culture" is  something you feel but can't touch. It's a culture of both spoken and unspoken rules that dictates what behaviors are acceptable [and unacceptable] to be "pure" in the eyes of God.  I myself was in a purity culture for almost 12 years as a teenage and young single woman so I know this experience all too well.

This group construct is derived from bible scriptures on purity and holiness that are transposed onto modern day times and everyday situations. Although "Purity" is based on certain scriptures in the bible, it is defined by the church, religious or spiritual leaders who are interpreting the bible. 

Some examples of bible scriptures that purity culture is based on are:

Matthew 5:8

Phillippians 4:8

James 1:27

1 Timothy 5:22:

2 Timothy 2:22:

1 Corinthians 6: 12-20:

These are just a few of the most used scriptures from the bible employed to enforce this purity culture. But there are more. 

Where do you find purity culture?

 Purity culture is found in evangelical churches, nondenominational movements (like the ICOC or ICC), and many other churches that operate as cults. It applies to any group that practices christian or religious fundamentalism.

The ALLURE of purity culture

The thing about purity culture that attracts people is the illusion that the group is practicing what they preach. The world is overpopulated with religious hypocrites. The church is one of the hot spots for sexual deviancy. Church leaders are consistently in the news or the community grapevine for child molestation or some form of adultery, be it heterosexual or homosexual. The society we live in objectifies women and preys on the innocence of children. When we turn on the tv, even the prime time shows are soft porn. And speaking of pornography, its normalized to the point where it dictates everyday people's sexual behaviors. Men claim porn is a part of manhood and is even healthy. While college campuses are rife with sex orgies and sexual experimentation for women.

Then there is the dating culture where sex is often expected in exchange for paying for dinner or after a certain period of time has passed. Our over-sexed culture sees everything as sexual innuendos with adult people snickering over normal words that have hidden sexual meanings or undertones. 

Then there's abortions, divorce due to infidelity, heart break, betrayal, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancy, shame, guilt.... and other by-producits of sexual deviancy.

So, we long for a safe place where we can not be violated sexually, a community where we don't have to worry about being lusted after and sexualized and objectified (especially for women). Where women don't have to worry about being pressured.into sex.before marriage. Where you're not expected to be a porn star or stripper to be accepted sexually by prospective partners. Where you no longer have to endure dirty jokes that make you uncomfortable.

Maybe we were violated sexually as a child, adolescent, or young adult. 

I could go on and on.

For some of us as a result, the world is an unsafe place sexually. Purity culture offers safety in an unsafe world. It offers integrity in a world where anything goes. Purity culture promises a kinder, gentler reality. It gives us a justification to be sexually abstinent, sexually disciplined, and morally conservative.

The hypocrisy of purity culture

The thing is, purity is only pushed on unmarried church or group members. Single people are targeted because of the doctrinal standard of sex being "sin" outside of marriage. This creates a divide between married and singles in church ministries with marriage being the goal out of it being the only way one can experience sexual intimacy. 

But the real hypocrisy, in my opinion, is that "purity" is only applied to sex. If you keep yourself "pure," for most churches and purity cults, that means not having sex. But what about a pure heart? A clean conscience? What about integrity? 

This is why, in my opinion, there is so much corruption with church leaders, cult leaders, and spiritual leaders. This is why church culture is so toxic. Because it is PERFORMATIVE ONLY. All that matters is an APPEARANCE of purity. 

Let's talk about that for a minute.

PURITY CULTURE IS NOT ABOUT HOLINESS OR GODLINESS. IT IS ABOUT CONTROL. 

So-called purity standards that are imposed on church or religious group members are not for the members. It's to control them using shame and guilt. Purity rules are not directed at sexual deviants like child molesters and sexual predators. These rules are targeted at you and me. Regular folks who are just human beings with normal sexual desires.  We have to be policed, shamed, and demonized non-stop while sexual predators get ignored or protected. 

Why? Because human beings can't be controlled as easily when they are in their natural state. 

Purity, as a result, goes way beyond sex. It branches into anything that the leaders and group culture sees as "impure". In the ICOC cult, for example, holding hands and kissing was looked down upon. Men and women had to give "side hugs" because face-to-face hugs would cause one to "struggle" with their purity. Men and women who were dating exclusively or married did not display affection in public. I myself was chastised by the church leader for displaying affection with my then-boyfriend during Sunday worship service while the leader was up front preaching the sunday sermon, apparently looking at me disdainfully the whole time. 

It comes back to how purity culture proponents view human nature. They see everything as a "temptation" to sin. So then, as a result, they invent all these unspoken rules to follow that become ingrained in the group culture. These rules function a rewards and punishments for members. 

For example, the ICOC cult had an unspoken rule that single men and women should not be alone together for any reason, otherwise it could result in temptation and impurity - or even the LOOK of impurity (don't get me started on that one). So male and female members did not ride in a car together unless there were others present and would not be alone in a room together -if they were the door would have to be kept open. Someone recently commented on one of my videos that an ICOC brother he knew while in the church rode in the trunk of a sister's car as to not be alone with her in the car!  

Purity culture, as seen by that example, causes psychosis in people. Oh, the crazy things we do in the name of purity culture.

Another big issue in purity circles is masturbation, It was forbidden and in the ICOC cult, needed to be confessed and repented of each and every occurrence. Masturbation was seen as the ultimate form of impurity one can commit with oneself. It was seen as dishonoring our bodies, which were seen as "temples of the holy spirit". One time, I was at a midweek service in a breakout meeting with the women's ministry leader and she chastised us single ladies for being impure, especially with masturbation. She said that when "we touch ourselves, we were touching Jesus". 

The level of manipulation! Geesh!

So, let's get this straight: we can't have impure thoughts, we can't flirt, we can't dress a certain way, we can't "touch ourselves", we can't give regular hugs, we can't date anyone outside our cult, church, or religion, we can't even THINK about sex or even LOOK at a person in what would be considered "filtrations".........

Purity culture was a prison. And we were the inmates.

These rules were used to micro-manage and police church members or religious group members around the clock. You internalized these rules so then you would police yourself - and each other - when the leaders weren't around to do it. 

This also extended to homosexuality, which demonized it. Many group members who are attracted to same sex people (adults) are living deep in the closet out of shame and fear. Some cults and churches go so far as to harm people who are homosexual or bi-sexual. They are impure by default, according to the doctrine and are going to hell. So people are living double lives and hating themselves for what they feel. Something is wrong with this. 

The 'Side effects' of purity culture

Purity culture makes you stupid.  It makes you ashamed of your body and your sexuality. It warps your view of sex, intimacy, dating/courting, marriage and how you show up in the world. The damage is long-term. After leaving the ICOC cult, I re- entered the world trying to date after YEARS of cult purity dating. It was nothing short of traumatic. It was so traumatic that I longed for the purity dating days of my past cult life.

I had found value in the purity culture dating system. There was safety for women there. In the ICOC cult, the focus of dating was on "" encouraging one another " and "Building a friendship". I was intrigued by this and enjoyed going on dates with all different races, ethnicities, nationalities, personalities, ages, and other traits without the pressure to have sex. With the expectation of romance and sex off the table, we were able to have good, clean fun.

That's the other thing that makes purity culture attractive: if you're a " square" person who isn't into partying, casual sex or the typical recreational activities considered to be "fun",  purity living is appealing. It's safe. It's clean fun.

It's a utopia. 

Or is it?

Purity standards are slighted towards the women and girls. Churches and religions that practice purity culture are inherently misogynist and sexist. The bible creation story of Eve offering the fruit to Adam after getting manipulated by the serpent and them getting kicked out of paradise as a result is the origin narrative for men that women are evil and must be kept in submission or else they will destroy you. 

In purity culture, the women are constantly crucified for " tempting " the men to sin. Purity culture sees women as vixens of Satan that need to be saved from themselves. 

I remember being corrected on how I dressed. Mind you, I'm not even talking about cleavage busting out of a low cut blouse, miniskirts, or booty cut shorts.... I was being corrected on my shirt riding up my back when sitting down. Just skin showing is a problem in purity culture. 

Why does purity culture need to police women so heavily?

Purity culture sees men as weak morally. It thinks men are incapable of resisting temptation sexually. The moral responsibility is almost entirely on the women. Purity culture has no faith in men. At all.  Poor male nature (sarcasm), these men walking around susceptible to temptation. Women are supposed to not wear this or that to not cause these poor men to struggle. 

Purity culture demonized the opposite sex for both parties. For women and girls, men and boys were unsafe and dangerous. To men and boys, women were also unsafe and a temptation. Due to the opposite sex being a possible source of impurity, often in purity culture environments the men and women are segregated. If they interact too much, "sin" can happen. 

The result: You are so removed from interacting in a free manner that being intimate is an awkward, embarrassing, and unsafe experience. I went for 12 years without sexual interaction, flirting,. being Playful without someone's eyes watching you in judgement.

It takes time to reclaim or even find your sexuality. To feel comfortable in your own skin. To communicate with the opposite sex. To deconstruct the church's or religion's purity culture standards that riddle you with guilt and shame.

Purity culture makes you paranoid. Someone is always watching... Judging.

For some, recovery means coming out of the proverbial closet and be true with themselves about their sexual orientation.  This means overriding the religious and cult dogma that non heterosexual people are In "sin" and  going to hell and are enemies of God. It means facing rejection from family, etc. 

Purity culture is toxic. It is traumatic. It steals sensuality. It is misogynistic and sexist. It is dogmatic. Fundamentalist. Stressful. Absolutist. 

You can get out. You can recover. It takes awareness and time and patience with yourself. They were wrong. You are not evil. You are human.❤

With all this said...

This doesn't mean that hedonism should be the norm, either. It just means that no extreme is good. I am a proponent of healthy boundaries between men and women and people in general. Monogamous married people shouldn't be running around sleeping with other people and adults shouldn't be sexually violating children or teens. There should be some level of standard of morality that punishes impropriety in a healthy society. I am conservative in my moral stances on this subject.

But....

policing people's sexuality is not the answer. Some things make sense, some things don't. Some things are beneficial. Others are detrimental. As I said, it's about control. Often, the ones doing the policing and judging are the very ones deep in sexual deviancy themselves.