Days Gone By
I wonder how many single people out there are victims of PMS (post-ministry syndrome)?
I can spot single PMS a mile away, over the phone, on webchat, you name it, I can sniff it out.
Because I am a PMS survivor, too.
In another blog, I wrote about Joe, the posterchild for the socially illiterate.
But in some way, all of us who were entrenched in the church are...socially illiterate.
No one escapes the flames of religion unscathed.
In the christian religion, singles weren't even important enough to be mentioned in the bible, except for extracted verses on "not being unequally yoked" or "it is better not to marry..."
The standard for single people was so high it was agonizing. It was always about what NOT to do. "DON'T be unequally yoked." "It is better NOT to marry." As a result, I floated between states of euphoria to ones of depression as I failed to "overcome sin".
Nothing was to be about me. I remember it all being about "giving God the glory". I was dead, and Christ was living in me. This deadness included my dreams, my desires, and just about every part of me. When those parts resurfaced, I was taught to see it as my sinful nature that needed to be confessed and repented of. This god of religion was a cancer that killed your body and slowly ate away at your insides- your mind, your intellect, your heart...until nothing is left but that hollow, glazed-over look in your eye that so many of us had.
"Trust in God and do good and he will give you the desires of our hearts.." was a favorite chistian verse.
And that mentality left a trail of ruined lives.
I knew people who married someone the church picked - someone they didn't even like
(typical for people in ministry. The future evangelist needed just the right christian girl to be the church's "first lady". There was a specific type for these leadership roles, and there was tremendous pressure to pick who the people "over you" thought was right.)
Other singles I knew picked their own spouses but with a "Not my will but yours be done" mentality. When you divorce yourself from the god of religion you have to question every decison you made while under the power of that god. You have to question every friendship, relationship, and life decision you made, including who you married. It is the elephant in the room, but how do you know the person you chose was who you were "supposed" to be with, of your own choosing? I could count the people on one hand who followed their hearts and were lucky enough to find love in the closed church system. But most were always living with that hidden doubt.
It made me glad I never married in the church. I would question the authenticity of my marriage.
That's the most difficult to live with, those missed opportunities.
I knew people who gave up all their dreams to go on missionary teams to foreign countries. My church had a "one suitcase challenge" which meant no matter what you owned, all you could bring was one suitcase. I knew married couples who owned property, had young children and who sold their home, took their kids out of school, gave up their pensions and put all their treasures on the front lawn in a yard sale to get to that one suitcase.
I knew other people who dropped out of school for the ministry. Others who graduated and stayed local, in a place they didn't even like and that had no opportunities for the jobs they really wanted, all for the sake of "advancing God's kingdom" in that city or town. My old roommate even bought the house we were renting together so she could be a right hand to the minister and his wife. People who went to graduate school instead of medical school like they dreamt about because the ministry was too demanding and required an allegiance that no person in medical school could give..People afraid to pursue avenues considered "worldly" by the church. And those I knew who did it anyway, in "rebellion" lived with a bittersweet victory, heavy on the bitter. Something inside them was missing, stolen away. They never could savor their accomplishments. Since they didn't "pursue God's dreams" and make the church-slash-God #1 the way the church said, they could never REALLY be proud of themselves. They wouldn't say it, but I could see it in their eyes.
I'll say it again-That's the most difficult part to live with, those missed opportunities.
All of this with the idea that God is supposedly driving this, "calling" us to do these idiotic things.
PMS is serious stuff. Millions upon millions have it. I want people to know that its not their fault. I want them to know that the quirks, the funny way they react to something, the way they are socially reclusive or suspicious of people is a part of PMS. And even though it will take a lifetime to heal from it, the healing is the journey they are on right now, as they leave the burning ashes of religion behind and walk toward truth.
I can spot single PMS a mile away, over the phone, on webchat, you name it, I can sniff it out.
Because I am a PMS survivor, too.
In another blog, I wrote about Joe, the posterchild for the socially illiterate.
But in some way, all of us who were entrenched in the church are...socially illiterate.
No one escapes the flames of religion unscathed.
In the christian religion, singles weren't even important enough to be mentioned in the bible, except for extracted verses on "not being unequally yoked" or "it is better not to marry..."
The standard for single people was so high it was agonizing. It was always about what NOT to do. "DON'T be unequally yoked." "It is better NOT to marry." As a result, I floated between states of euphoria to ones of depression as I failed to "overcome sin".
Nothing was to be about me. I remember it all being about "giving God the glory". I was dead, and Christ was living in me. This deadness included my dreams, my desires, and just about every part of me. When those parts resurfaced, I was taught to see it as my sinful nature that needed to be confessed and repented of. This god of religion was a cancer that killed your body and slowly ate away at your insides- your mind, your intellect, your heart...until nothing is left but that hollow, glazed-over look in your eye that so many of us had.
"Trust in God and do good and he will give you the desires of our hearts.." was a favorite chistian verse.
And that mentality left a trail of ruined lives.
I knew people who married someone the church picked - someone they didn't even like
(typical for people in ministry. The future evangelist needed just the right christian girl to be the church's "first lady". There was a specific type for these leadership roles, and there was tremendous pressure to pick who the people "over you" thought was right.)
Other singles I knew picked their own spouses but with a "Not my will but yours be done" mentality. When you divorce yourself from the god of religion you have to question every decison you made while under the power of that god. You have to question every friendship, relationship, and life decision you made, including who you married. It is the elephant in the room, but how do you know the person you chose was who you were "supposed" to be with, of your own choosing? I could count the people on one hand who followed their hearts and were lucky enough to find love in the closed church system. But most were always living with that hidden doubt.
It made me glad I never married in the church. I would question the authenticity of my marriage.
That's the most difficult to live with, those missed opportunities.
I knew people who gave up all their dreams to go on missionary teams to foreign countries. My church had a "one suitcase challenge" which meant no matter what you owned, all you could bring was one suitcase. I knew married couples who owned property, had young children and who sold their home, took their kids out of school, gave up their pensions and put all their treasures on the front lawn in a yard sale to get to that one suitcase.
I knew other people who dropped out of school for the ministry. Others who graduated and stayed local, in a place they didn't even like and that had no opportunities for the jobs they really wanted, all for the sake of "advancing God's kingdom" in that city or town. My old roommate even bought the house we were renting together so she could be a right hand to the minister and his wife. People who went to graduate school instead of medical school like they dreamt about because the ministry was too demanding and required an allegiance that no person in medical school could give..People afraid to pursue avenues considered "worldly" by the church. And those I knew who did it anyway, in "rebellion" lived with a bittersweet victory, heavy on the bitter. Something inside them was missing, stolen away. They never could savor their accomplishments. Since they didn't "pursue God's dreams" and make the church-slash-God #1 the way the church said, they could never REALLY be proud of themselves. They wouldn't say it, but I could see it in their eyes.
I'll say it again-That's the most difficult part to live with, those missed opportunities.
All of this with the idea that God is supposedly driving this, "calling" us to do these idiotic things.
PMS is serious stuff. Millions upon millions have it. I want people to know that its not their fault. I want them to know that the quirks, the funny way they react to something, the way they are socially reclusive or suspicious of people is a part of PMS. And even though it will take a lifetime to heal from it, the healing is the journey they are on right now, as they leave the burning ashes of religion behind and walk toward truth.
Comments
Post a Comment