Unloving...
I wrote this blog months ago and frankly a lifetime ago as well. I have been through so many changes that I'm a different person now than I was when I wrote this. However I do feel the subject matter is still relevant and I'm just wanting to post it.
So, here it is.
I used to be the person who tried to "pull in" the person who was always in the corner, isolated and downright strange. Church, I thought back then, was supposed to be the one place where there was unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. I was kidding myself, because there were people who I didn't get along with, who didn't like me all that much and others who freakin' irritated the hell out of me.
The minute I went over to strike up a conversation with that person in the corner-who everyone else sees but avoids -I quickly would get snagged up in their web of dysfunction and I would find myself looking around for help. My roommates would sprint past me, my friends would give me that wide-eyed look like, I"M NOT COMING OVER THERE, FOOL. YOU"RE ON YOUR OWN" Even the minister wouldn't even want to talk with him or her. He'd wait until the person was distracted by conversation and then stick his hand in for a quick pat on the back and a hello. Before they could say a word pastor was out the door breathing a collective sigh of relief of dodging the bullet.
I was pretty proud of myself because I "loved the unlovely". That became my role in the church, just like the siblings who are known for being the smart one, and the other child known for being the athletic one.
There was this guy in our church named "Joe". Joe was the classic case of social illiteracy. His voice was nasal and he snorted when he laughed. He was a submarine engineer and had a high IQ which seemed evident by his thick glasses and 5 foot 2 stature. Typically a person's response when I say something like this about someone is that it is not loving. Non-religious people say that's its not nice. This self-righteous stance usually evapporates when Joe is rambling on and on, spraying their face with cold saliva or when Joe is curled up on your couch with his socks off rubbing his sweaty feet into their suede couch. Christians have been advertised this "mr.rogers" personality that is supposed to be the essence of a christian. I think this comes from some conception of a "Twilight Jesus"- romantic, soft, pasty-white and frail. I grew up with an image of this faraway stoic Jesus stroking a baby lamb while healing a leper and softly speaking about love into the wind. Then we are supposed to imitate this Jesus, who never gets mad or who loves everybody the same.
I am sorry, but this "unloving" thing really gets on my nerves. it is just another form of political correctness that rules the world. I hate it because it is self-righteous and judgmental, and because we all have feelings about someone that falls short of this ideal. Everyone at some point and time treats someone in an "unloving"way. This goody-two shoe thing makes me crazy-and by looking around me it is making alot of christians crazy as well. It makes everyone crazy, religious or not. We're crazy and exhausted trying to be mr. rogers all the time. Sometimes we have a bad day. If you're home with three screaming kids alld ay you are going to snap at least once. You and me, we get tired, we sit in traffic, we deal with unreasonable people on a consistent basis. Just calling an 800 number makes you homicidal. Dodging calls from the student loan people or credit card companies leaves us frazzled.
And come on, there is a reason joe has no friends. There is a reason everyone groans when he shows up to the housewarming party. And the irony is Joe (and we all know at least one "joe" or "joanne") doesn't get why he's not invited to Friendly's with the rest of the group. In fact, when he finds out when and where he shows up, anyway, clueless. He doesn't give a second thought about whether he is wanted and if any of these people like him.
What does "loving" Joe mean? Do we flip through the bible to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and start checking the list off?
Love is patient..
Okay, I can be patient with Joe. When he talks for two hours straight about lugnuts without looking at my face to see if I care I will hold my tongue until he is finished..
Love is kind...
Well, when Joe sprays saliva in my face and he says sorry I will say "no problem" -even though it got in my mouth.
Love keeps no record of wrongs..
Even though I tell Joe repeatedly not to take off his sweaty socks in my house and he does it anyway becasue it makes him feel free and unabandoned I will still include him with the group when I have get-togethers and do it all over again.
Love always hopes,always perserveres...
Even though Joe is completely self-centered and oblivious to people around him, I will hope he changes. I will STILL include him in church activiities. I will STILL allow myself to be cornered by him for two hours of monologue.
I still don't know whyy we need a definition of love. Love comes naturally. I always felt that 1 Corinthian 13 was more depressing than comforting. I felt that way because it was another standard of perfection to live up to. Deep down, I never liked the sermons on that verse, because it made love a checklist instead of the energy that sustains the universe. Hypothetically speaking, if the bible was a literal reality and Paul was an actual person talking to a group of actual people, then I wonder how "christian" these Corinthians really were as a group if he had to give them a webster's definition of love in the first place.
So, here it is.
I used to be the person who tried to "pull in" the person who was always in the corner, isolated and downright strange. Church, I thought back then, was supposed to be the one place where there was unconditional love and acceptance of everyone. I was kidding myself, because there were people who I didn't get along with, who didn't like me all that much and others who freakin' irritated the hell out of me.
The minute I went over to strike up a conversation with that person in the corner-who everyone else sees but avoids -I quickly would get snagged up in their web of dysfunction and I would find myself looking around for help. My roommates would sprint past me, my friends would give me that wide-eyed look like, I"M NOT COMING OVER THERE, FOOL. YOU"RE ON YOUR OWN" Even the minister wouldn't even want to talk with him or her. He'd wait until the person was distracted by conversation and then stick his hand in for a quick pat on the back and a hello. Before they could say a word pastor was out the door breathing a collective sigh of relief of dodging the bullet.
I was pretty proud of myself because I "loved the unlovely". That became my role in the church, just like the siblings who are known for being the smart one, and the other child known for being the athletic one.
There was this guy in our church named "Joe". Joe was the classic case of social illiteracy. His voice was nasal and he snorted when he laughed. He was a submarine engineer and had a high IQ which seemed evident by his thick glasses and 5 foot 2 stature. Typically a person's response when I say something like this about someone is that it is not loving. Non-religious people say that's its not nice. This self-righteous stance usually evapporates when Joe is rambling on and on, spraying their face with cold saliva or when Joe is curled up on your couch with his socks off rubbing his sweaty feet into their suede couch. Christians have been advertised this "mr.rogers" personality that is supposed to be the essence of a christian. I think this comes from some conception of a "Twilight Jesus"- romantic, soft, pasty-white and frail. I grew up with an image of this faraway stoic Jesus stroking a baby lamb while healing a leper and softly speaking about love into the wind. Then we are supposed to imitate this Jesus, who never gets mad or who loves everybody the same.
I am sorry, but this "unloving" thing really gets on my nerves. it is just another form of political correctness that rules the world. I hate it because it is self-righteous and judgmental, and because we all have feelings about someone that falls short of this ideal. Everyone at some point and time treats someone in an "unloving"way. This goody-two shoe thing makes me crazy-and by looking around me it is making alot of christians crazy as well. It makes everyone crazy, religious or not. We're crazy and exhausted trying to be mr. rogers all the time. Sometimes we have a bad day. If you're home with three screaming kids alld ay you are going to snap at least once. You and me, we get tired, we sit in traffic, we deal with unreasonable people on a consistent basis. Just calling an 800 number makes you homicidal. Dodging calls from the student loan people or credit card companies leaves us frazzled.
And come on, there is a reason joe has no friends. There is a reason everyone groans when he shows up to the housewarming party. And the irony is Joe (and we all know at least one "joe" or "joanne") doesn't get why he's not invited to Friendly's with the rest of the group. In fact, when he finds out when and where he shows up, anyway, clueless. He doesn't give a second thought about whether he is wanted and if any of these people like him.
What does "loving" Joe mean? Do we flip through the bible to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 and start checking the list off?
Love is patient..
Okay, I can be patient with Joe. When he talks for two hours straight about lugnuts without looking at my face to see if I care I will hold my tongue until he is finished..
Love is kind...
Well, when Joe sprays saliva in my face and he says sorry I will say "no problem" -even though it got in my mouth.
Love keeps no record of wrongs..
Even though I tell Joe repeatedly not to take off his sweaty socks in my house and he does it anyway becasue it makes him feel free and unabandoned I will still include him with the group when I have get-togethers and do it all over again.
Love always hopes,always perserveres...
Even though Joe is completely self-centered and oblivious to people around him, I will hope he changes. I will STILL include him in church activiities. I will STILL allow myself to be cornered by him for two hours of monologue.
I still don't know whyy we need a definition of love. Love comes naturally. I always felt that 1 Corinthian 13 was more depressing than comforting. I felt that way because it was another standard of perfection to live up to. Deep down, I never liked the sermons on that verse, because it made love a checklist instead of the energy that sustains the universe. Hypothetically speaking, if the bible was a literal reality and Paul was an actual person talking to a group of actual people, then I wonder how "christian" these Corinthians really were as a group if he had to give them a webster's definition of love in the first place.
Wow, you make some good points. And I can relate about the whole obligation thing in churches. In fact, I was often the one who was rejected, not because I'm completely socially clueless but because I simply wanted to fit in too much. I was so desperate to be liked that I was not liked. Since leaving the institution, I find myself so much more free to be who I am without worrying what others will think of me.
ReplyDeleteBut there's other times too when I tried to befriend the guy who's unliked. Something that's backfired because he or other people will think I'm romantically interested in him. I remember that happened in my private Christian high school where I merely was pleasant to a misfit, ugly guy, and the other girls started talking about me going out with him or some such foolishness.
So I don't think we're obligated, but I do think that the more confident we are in who we are, the more able we will also be to sometimes minister to someone who is feeling rejected without necessarily needing to subject ourselves to two hours of spittle.