Why I Left
Different people leave the church system of religion for different reasons. Statistics show millions are leaving the church system as we know it, particularly in North America.
I left in two phases. The first phase was me leaving the church itself. I had always had seeds of doubt, but I was willing to squash them on faith- or what I had always been taught was faith.
But what I couldn't squash was the love factor. The lack of love among Christians was never-ending. If God was love, and the church was always marketed to be about love-not just love but unconditional love- then why were my fellow christians so heartless? Why did the preacher always have to preach sermons on love or have a "love campaign" just to get us to be involved in each other's lives? I sat in countless church meetings-both casual and ministry staff meetings-where we discussed-or "shared" openly about our struggle to call one another, hang out together, and basically "be in one another's lives".
Sister, have you been "reachin" out to sister so-and-so?
Brother, are you "gettin' in there" with brother so-and-so?
My old church had what some groups call "cell groups". My church leaders reorganized and restructured the smaller groups within the church, called "bible talks". Well, each bible talk had a leader and a co-leader. These groups provided efficient micro-management to the church.
One particular meeting of my particular cell group was one memorable meeting held at the bible talk leader's house. The deacon and his wife lead this group and it was one of those meetings which became a venting session for people with low morale. Everyone was in the dumps that day and the deacon opened the floor for people to share what was going on. I remember listening with fear as the deaconess of our church said something to the effect of, "I know I should want to love people but I just don't. I don't want to call anybody, encourage anybody, or be with anybody."
That scared me, because I knew she meant it-and not just because she was human and naturally needed time to herself. I had known this woman for years and she was never warm or loving-she was nice and pleasant to conversate with, but not someone you could get close to.
And as I watched heads nod around the circle in agreement it became clear to me that something was wrong. If we knew God, why did this God have to force us to love one another? Why was picking up the phone so hard if we actually liked the other person?
What was this deep, gut-wrenching battle really all about?
I had to walk away because of this. We were a bunch of people foolishly forcing ourselves to be together in ways that could only exist through authentic love. Our heads were telling us that we had to love, forgive, and be graceful and kind but our hearts were at an entire different place. I knew deep inside that real love comes naturally and it isn't supposed to be like taking a spoonful of yucky cough syrup.
Phase two was when I had the God revelation.
I realized in my heart and soul that God really is love. Some people call it the message of love and grace. However you describe it, I got it and it changed my life forever. Prior to this awakening I began feeling guilty for losing my religion-and telling the world about it.
After leaving church number one two years had passed. I had renounced THAT church but not religion altogether. I still thought that there were regular churches out there that would be different than the cultish one I came from. My PTSD had weaned itself to the point where I felt strong enough to attend a church again.
After a while I found one, and even though it wasn't on the cult-watch list it was strikingly similar to the church I escaped from. Then I tried another church. This church had a overzealous pastor destined to make a name for himself as a great philanthropist "for God". He kept pushing the members to volunteer and give money for his many community outreach projects- and fundraising campaigns for those projects.
I got involved, but I wasn't brainwashed this time. But among other things it was still was the same as my old church-work, work work for God-and what you do is never enough.
But once I got that God is love, I stopped going, stopped volunteering. It wasn't rebellion, just a natural response. I faced the fact that love is not in the church. It talks a good game but it doesn't deliver. The god they served was not a god I was interested in. Relationship cannot exist with the business of religion.
I stopped trying to make friends with people there-the truth was nobody was there to bond - they were there for other reasons. I felt like everyone was in on the joke but me. By their actions they said:
"Helen, don't tell me you really thought church was real? You didn't actually buy into the "love one another" "we're brothers and sisters in christ" thing did you? EVERYBODY knows church is just a social club." ....
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
So that's why I left- not to find love but to find myself-and then I found love.
I left in two phases. The first phase was me leaving the church itself. I had always had seeds of doubt, but I was willing to squash them on faith- or what I had always been taught was faith.
But what I couldn't squash was the love factor. The lack of love among Christians was never-ending. If God was love, and the church was always marketed to be about love-not just love but unconditional love- then why were my fellow christians so heartless? Why did the preacher always have to preach sermons on love or have a "love campaign" just to get us to be involved in each other's lives? I sat in countless church meetings-both casual and ministry staff meetings-where we discussed-or "shared" openly about our struggle to call one another, hang out together, and basically "be in one another's lives".
Sister, have you been "reachin" out to sister so-and-so?
Brother, are you "gettin' in there" with brother so-and-so?
My old church had what some groups call "cell groups". My church leaders reorganized and restructured the smaller groups within the church, called "bible talks". Well, each bible talk had a leader and a co-leader. These groups provided efficient micro-management to the church.
One particular meeting of my particular cell group was one memorable meeting held at the bible talk leader's house. The deacon and his wife lead this group and it was one of those meetings which became a venting session for people with low morale. Everyone was in the dumps that day and the deacon opened the floor for people to share what was going on. I remember listening with fear as the deaconess of our church said something to the effect of, "I know I should want to love people but I just don't. I don't want to call anybody, encourage anybody, or be with anybody."
That scared me, because I knew she meant it-and not just because she was human and naturally needed time to herself. I had known this woman for years and she was never warm or loving-she was nice and pleasant to conversate with, but not someone you could get close to.
And as I watched heads nod around the circle in agreement it became clear to me that something was wrong. If we knew God, why did this God have to force us to love one another? Why was picking up the phone so hard if we actually liked the other person?
What was this deep, gut-wrenching battle really all about?
I had to walk away because of this. We were a bunch of people foolishly forcing ourselves to be together in ways that could only exist through authentic love. Our heads were telling us that we had to love, forgive, and be graceful and kind but our hearts were at an entire different place. I knew deep inside that real love comes naturally and it isn't supposed to be like taking a spoonful of yucky cough syrup.
Phase two was when I had the God revelation.
I realized in my heart and soul that God really is love. Some people call it the message of love and grace. However you describe it, I got it and it changed my life forever. Prior to this awakening I began feeling guilty for losing my religion-and telling the world about it.
After leaving church number one two years had passed. I had renounced THAT church but not religion altogether. I still thought that there were regular churches out there that would be different than the cultish one I came from. My PTSD had weaned itself to the point where I felt strong enough to attend a church again.
After a while I found one, and even though it wasn't on the cult-watch list it was strikingly similar to the church I escaped from. Then I tried another church. This church had a overzealous pastor destined to make a name for himself as a great philanthropist "for God". He kept pushing the members to volunteer and give money for his many community outreach projects- and fundraising campaigns for those projects.
I got involved, but I wasn't brainwashed this time. But among other things it was still was the same as my old church-work, work work for God-and what you do is never enough.
But once I got that God is love, I stopped going, stopped volunteering. It wasn't rebellion, just a natural response. I faced the fact that love is not in the church. It talks a good game but it doesn't deliver. The god they served was not a god I was interested in. Relationship cannot exist with the business of religion.
I stopped trying to make friends with people there-the truth was nobody was there to bond - they were there for other reasons. I felt like everyone was in on the joke but me. By their actions they said:
"Helen, don't tell me you really thought church was real? You didn't actually buy into the "love one another" "we're brothers and sisters in christ" thing did you? EVERYBODY knows church is just a social club." ....
I was looking for love in all the wrong places.
So that's why I left- not to find love but to find myself-and then I found love.
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