I am... a Christian Athiest
I left the job interview under the impression that I had it in the bag. The girl interviewing me- and I do mean girl- was perky and bright-eyed as she spoke with me. "It sounds great" she said, shaking my hand.
"we'll be contacting you within two weeks."
I never heard from her again.
It's a recession. And recessions don't care who you are, how much potential you've got, how much education you have, or how much experience.
I was dissapointed-not because I really wanted to job, but because I was rejected-and of course because I needed the cold hard cash.
I didn't pull out my bible to look up verses on prospering.
I didn't pray for God to "move in a powerful way".
I just went through it.
I allowed myself to be upset-and depressed-and then hopeless-then angry-then upset again-and after a while to be hopeful again.
As a Christian, I was never allowed to go through the natural cycle of the human experience.
It was understood that no matter what the issue, it was all about trusting God with it.
"Jesus would fix it"
A great little church sing-along, but Jesus didn't fix it.
So many things in my life weren't fixed. There were things happening to me that were completely messed up and unfair. My christian mentors and peers had no answer but the patent
"Have you been praying about it?"
Or "Surrender it to God"
I prayed about it. I tried to "surrender it to God" but I had no idea what that meant-or if it made sense. These people and their generalized conclusions left me feeling like I was "in sin" for being upset or worried about my circumstances. I spent so much energy on trying to surrender it to God that I neglected to adequately deal with the actual problems.
The other day my battery died. Is Jesus going to fix it? My spiritual mentors used to say that Jesus/God "worked through" the process. According to their theory the AAA guy who I called to give me a jump was God's clever handiwork.
But as I pulled the key out of the cold dead ignition and walked back to my apartment in the freezing cold I didn't think that I needed to call on the Lord for a jump. I simply went to the phone and called AAA roadside emergency service.
In fact, I actually felt less stressed because instead of spiritalizing it I just handled things. I wasn't trying NOT to be anxious, quoting "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everyhting present your request to God and He will give peace beyond all understanding." I was just going through it. In fact, I was BEING that scipture instead of using as a magic wand to make me into something I was supposed to be.
The NT book of James even says faith is action, not simply believing. When I go through hard times-which is another set of blogs on its own-I live like an athiest. Athiests just live. They don't see themselves as a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by a higher power riding on a tall white horse. They use common sense, they think about it, they take actions.
I think Christianity-or churchianity as I've heard it called- makes us a bunch of spacey co-dependent drama-queens.
I am not by belief athiest, but in contrast to my religious past I live like one. It's the only way I can deal with this thing called life successfully. If the real connection with God was about relationship then it couldn't be about what God was going to do for me-even if I really needed it.
God does help me, but its not what I was told in the church. It doesn't look anything like the mansions, spouses, cars, and healthy glorious living that they promoted. This process of being normal on the inside is a natural progression. I had to throw out the definition of spiritual growth that had been ingrained into me in church. Once I did, it felt alot freer. I wasn't unhappy all the time, because I was allowed to be unhappy some of the time. I didn't have to be perfect anymore. And I was allowed to live.
"we'll be contacting you within two weeks."
I never heard from her again.
It's a recession. And recessions don't care who you are, how much potential you've got, how much education you have, or how much experience.
I was dissapointed-not because I really wanted to job, but because I was rejected-and of course because I needed the cold hard cash.
I didn't pull out my bible to look up verses on prospering.
I didn't pray for God to "move in a powerful way".
I just went through it.
I allowed myself to be upset-and depressed-and then hopeless-then angry-then upset again-and after a while to be hopeful again.
As a Christian, I was never allowed to go through the natural cycle of the human experience.
It was understood that no matter what the issue, it was all about trusting God with it.
"Jesus would fix it"
A great little church sing-along, but Jesus didn't fix it.
So many things in my life weren't fixed. There were things happening to me that were completely messed up and unfair. My christian mentors and peers had no answer but the patent
"Have you been praying about it?"
Or "Surrender it to God"
I prayed about it. I tried to "surrender it to God" but I had no idea what that meant-or if it made sense. These people and their generalized conclusions left me feeling like I was "in sin" for being upset or worried about my circumstances. I spent so much energy on trying to surrender it to God that I neglected to adequately deal with the actual problems.
The other day my battery died. Is Jesus going to fix it? My spiritual mentors used to say that Jesus/God "worked through" the process. According to their theory the AAA guy who I called to give me a jump was God's clever handiwork.
But as I pulled the key out of the cold dead ignition and walked back to my apartment in the freezing cold I didn't think that I needed to call on the Lord for a jump. I simply went to the phone and called AAA roadside emergency service.
In fact, I actually felt less stressed because instead of spiritalizing it I just handled things. I wasn't trying NOT to be anxious, quoting "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everyhting present your request to God and He will give peace beyond all understanding." I was just going through it. In fact, I was BEING that scipture instead of using as a magic wand to make me into something I was supposed to be.
The NT book of James even says faith is action, not simply believing. When I go through hard times-which is another set of blogs on its own-I live like an athiest. Athiests just live. They don't see themselves as a damsel in distress waiting to be rescued by a higher power riding on a tall white horse. They use common sense, they think about it, they take actions.
I think Christianity-or churchianity as I've heard it called- makes us a bunch of spacey co-dependent drama-queens.
I am not by belief athiest, but in contrast to my religious past I live like one. It's the only way I can deal with this thing called life successfully. If the real connection with God was about relationship then it couldn't be about what God was going to do for me-even if I really needed it.
God does help me, but its not what I was told in the church. It doesn't look anything like the mansions, spouses, cars, and healthy glorious living that they promoted. This process of being normal on the inside is a natural progression. I had to throw out the definition of spiritual growth that had been ingrained into me in church. Once I did, it felt alot freer. I wasn't unhappy all the time, because I was allowed to be unhappy some of the time. I didn't have to be perfect anymore. And I was allowed to live.
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